if i could talk to Him...

if i could talk to Him....

i would have asked Him a few things.... things that long back should have been asked......

things that He might have known all the way..... things He might never have cared......

Coz even if He has disowned me long back along the way......

Couldn't He just let go of the sadistic side He bared.....

if i could talk to Him....

i would have asked Him the reasons.... reasons of all the darkness that has been served....

reasons of why am i still caged this way.... the reasons of why am i not given the happy ending i deserved.....

Coz if this time he chooses to walk away.... i ll be left all alone down here.....

From the darkest depths, i pray to you Oh lord.... help me, i am still waiting out here.....

my broken clock....... . .

there are times in my life when it feels as if my life is running slow... as if i am running at least four or five years slower than the world around me....
there are moments when i kinda find it difficult to do things which guys of my age do very easily... there are times when i feel my basic intentions and motivations are very different than the ones around me... there are times when i find it very hard to get the vibe with this whole system. I dont know why but it feels as if that the world has walked ahead.. n yeah.. i have fallen behind............. . . 


Even though i do realize that its not that i am trying to be a lame'o who just wants to be like the whole world around him.. but i do believe that there have been some crucial stages of my life that i have skipped ahead... or may be a few lessons of life that i couldn't comprehend or it might be that i have lived a hell lot of blank spaces in my life which i should have filled properly... whatever it is i do know this.... that no matter what, i cant turn 360 around now... that kind of thing is not allowed by nature... she ll never allow me to walk back time..... she wont allow me to fix my broken clock....


I always loved physics... and i was pretty strong in mathematics... deep inside i have never felt that i am logically or imaginatively weak... yet i am sucking up my life with some crap engineering in IIT, and the only reason for it is that when it came to the point that i had to go out there and take a decision.. i neither showed my maturity nor my masculinity to go out there and take a stand... to have said " what the fuck is IIT... I ll be a theoretical physicist.. and yeah i am not for sale".... instead i crawled my ass inside iit................... . . why??.. coz i never had the courage to hold myself up before the mirror.. coz i didnt grow up enough inside to have taken that sort of a stand...


Last day when i went to the bank to give my fees, i got so damn freaked out with all the formalities and stuff... or even when it comes to the exams n all.. i just find it really difficult to motivate myself for the marks n stuff.. 
sometimes when they start talking in crap Hindi... why the freaking fucking hell cant i just fuck-lips with them... i don't know... i don't know why it becomes so difficult at times to believe in me, to stand beside me... why the hell does it become so damn difficult to like my own self sometimes... i don't know....................


But one thing that i have realized is that no matter how screwed up my past is... no matter how many lessons of my life i have failed... and how many i have bunked but deep inside i do believe that there have been many times that, that little dodo has come out and identified himself in their broken mirror... the fact that its only for him that I am an INMO awardee... the fact that when he got dumped in Calicut... he did fight back n found his way out.... the fact that it doesnt matter where the fuck you dump him, bury him or whatever... he just wont give up... he will fight back and yeah he ll find his way back..... coz thats what i learned from doing geometry.. NEVER EVER GIVE UP... NEVER BACK DOWN.... i learned from my childhood that when the system gives up on you... you should stop looking at yourself from others eyes and open yours... that no matter how much chaotic the world might get... no matter how weird the problems might be... there's always a beautiful solution hidden within.... the fact that may be i couldn't get some of their conventional lessons but i did get some of my own............ . . 


Now i know growing up is not a natural process that one goes through in his subconscious.. its a conscious choice that one has to make at some point of one's life... i know there's no point of going about as a big guy with a plastic nipple in his mouth... if this motherfucking world wants to see the wild side.. i am going to give it one.....
i am not going to give up... i am not going to give up on my broken clock.

As i watch the mermaids play...

As the beautiful evening breeze was blowing by in the beach... i sat beside the shore staring at the beautiful red sky-line meeting the blue horizon of the sea... and just a little away from me was another family with a couple and their two young kids.. both boys. And i noticed a really interesting thing... both the boys were playing with sand... you know, throwing sand at each other, trying to build shapes n all.. And every time their mother used to turn around to check on her kids they used to hide their hands and stay put. It was very interesting to see... too bad sometimes words do fall short to draw the exact picture... or else I am sure you guys would have loved it too... 
but when i looked closely into the picture i came across a very interesting question in my mind.... “Whether the lady really knows what their sons are doing... whether she will ever be able to figure out what her sons are up to... because obviously the “turning around” thing is really not working......

Believe it or not but the world we see and the world we think there really is around us is continuously under the investigation of our perception... And if you are able to correctly mathematically model your investigation... it’s called a measurement. But what we never realize is this that in the act of our measurements... we are also disturbing the natural world... and hence our ability to completely realize what exactly is going on out there and why the world is the way it is? pretty much falls apart. Just like the lady never figured out what her sons were cooking behind her( ;-) ) by turning around every now and then....

 But this is all quite fishy... isn’t it??... what ll we do if we stop perceiving things... how am i supposed to know  about the world without investigation??.. well, all that we can say about it is that in any natural process if you are taking say two measurements... one at the start and one at the end, if you do interfere with a third measurement in the middle and then your last measurement will get distorted n ll no more give you the previous results!!!....
this distortion is less in the classical world and starts becoming more and more prominent as we keep decreasing the dimensions...
(tThis has been assured by many quantum mechanical experiments like the electron diffraction experiment by Thompson and Davisson )

And then we come across a new trouble... if we really don’t know what’s happening in the middle... then say we have a process that can take place in many alternative paths... and since all the paths start at one point and end at another particular point... then all the paths are completely “indistinguishable”... By keeping the results constant there is absolutely no way that we can say in which way the process might have taken place... coz the final point(the consequence) is also identical for all the alternative paths..
for the first time our hands are tied... we need to stop interrupting in what nature is doing... in what she really is up to. We need to set her free in the wild.

So finally we realize that the best way to understand the whole system is to track down the probabilities... But guess what, what does happen when you track down the probabilities is even more awesome then you could ever have thought in your wildest dreams..... “ the probabilities interfere”....    Obviously if a process can take place in two paths say... path1 or path2.. the net probability should be the sum of both... but the net probability of the occurrence isn’t the sum of two... the final probability is a complicated function of both... as if the probabilities are interfering like waves of light... remember the way two bright lights interfered and gave weird distributions of light in young’s experiment... well the same thing happens... only statistically in terms of probabilities.....
what really happens is this that instead of just getting sum of both we get one more term that signifies the intersection of the event taking place through both the paths!!... as if its not either this or that... its both!!.. which is truly bizarre for alternative paths of a process where its absolutely impossible to imagine how it can simultaneously take both the paths at the same time!!...
(I wish i could show you guys the interesting mathematical manipulation involved by giving an example of any experiment.... but as we all know words also fall short during mathematical manipulations ;-) )

When I first heard of such a thing.... I thought may be time itself is bifurcating!! Its hard to believe but if the two ways can interfere and since we need to bring in the physical realization of the intersection, the simultaneity of both the paths, then may be both are taking place... but both cannot take place at the same time... so may be time itself divides into two.. with two separate events taking place on two different time lines together... But then i figured thinking of the bifurcation of the river of time is way too radical and i am no hotshot theoretical physicist to play around with time...

The interference of the probabilities of the indistinguishable paths of a certain natural process is a fundamental concept and a very deep mystery that lies at the very heart of quantum mechanics... We don’t know why it happens or how it possibly might have occurred. There’s no one till now who have ever been able to unlock this beautiful mystery of the universe. In order to mathematically model the probabilities... the scientists came up with a new physical quantity... “Probability amplitude”(analogous to the electric fields of the young’s experiment). And it is these which superimpose and the modulus of their sum gives us the final probabilities.... Even though we know what the probability amplitudes do for us... and how they help us to understand many physical phenomena... but we still don’t know what they really are...What is the exact physical realization behind these mysterious quantities?...  


They are like beautiful mermaids playing around in the deepest of the oceans of nature... and even though we are able to understand what they do for us... and how they make our world beautiful and understandable... and even though we are able to appreciate the dance of the beautiful mermaids but we still don’t know what they are... where they have come from.. and what their real significance is in this mysteriously beautiful universe.

And even though there are many unanswered questions in my heart now but deep inside i have always believed that someday i ll understand the play of these beautiful mermaids.... till then i ll just sit at the shore, enjoy the beautiful sky-line , the nice cool evening breeze, the sound of the wild waves.... and of course the beautiful mermaids playing around a midst them..... ;-) 

lines, points and my broken triangles.... . .

The sem at iit had just ended and i had gone back to my home-town Agartala during the month’s break. Its a small town just beside the borders shared by India with Bangladesh and my dad happens to be one of those few psychiatrist of this very small town. So, every evening me n my dad used to take off from our flat.. relatively in the countryside and on his way to his chamber he used drop me at the old kb lane from where my grandma’s home is like a 3 minutes’ walk. I used to go to my grandma’s home every evening to give my cousin geometry tuitions.....

And every evening i don’t know why this 3 minutes’ walk used to turn out to be sort of... special to me. In the midst of the cool winter breeze playing around and the darkness of the winter evening about to shade off... through this small stony lane as grandma’s home used to draw nearer.. it used to feel as if i am not just taking a three minutes walk into the future... but a years’ walk back into my past.... and all those childhood memories that me and geometry had shared used to come all back to me... and somehow someway i used to get lost again in a world of sprouting circles, concurrent lines.. complicated logics and an utter passion of problem solving....... . .

I was more of a back bencher and quite a hopeless kid with terribly screwed up acads back in those times... And even though i always had a passion for patterns but the only expression i had of it was to stare at the beautiful world outside my window beside my corner bench (might be my only fond memory of school). But as i got promoted (hardly) to the seventh standard we got introduced to geometry. I developed a very keen interest in school geometry. And soon what started out as time pass changed to a keen interest and then to a deep passion and finally to... a sick addiction. Being a kid i had many depressive stages of my childhood but during those tough times geometry never left me alone. It was my own secret window through which i used to enter into a world of my own.... I still remember those page full of constructions... that addictive frustration... the proofs of every single theorem that i used to do on my own... the beautiful problems that just kept growing harder and harder and yes.. more and more captivating.....

Soon it didn’t take long to master the school geometry till tenth. And halfway to seventh standard i entered into Olympiad geometry. It was incredibly beautiful. And even though my grades kept drowning into hopelessness and my parents kept on growing more and more mad at me.... but i had a whole new world to escape to... where no one could follow me.

And then there are so many interesting incidences that keep coming back to me. I had a teacher ‘Premtosh Sir’ and ounce while not being able to solve a problem i had to give up and show the problem to him. Being a maths prof at state university it didn’t take him much to solve it. I absolutely hated to give up in any problem n then to show them to teachers. After the problem was over i asked him....

“when ll my mind start coming up with such slick ideas like yours?? (comparing with a teacher is not right but i was a kid then.... and i was disgustingly frustrated... )

He laughed and patting his hand over my head said....

“he he... it ll.. don’t worry... it ll someday ”

Sir really inspired me a lot and he was friendly too... being in his late seventies he was like my own grandpa....

And then there was this problem.. the proof of the Gauss-Newton line( back then i neva knew the name... i only got to know it in the imo camp:D )... the fact that the midpoints of the three diagonals of a complete quadrilateral are collinear... it took me a year and a half to prove it... And yeah i never gave up... i still remember i came  out of Premtosh’s sir’s house completing one last manipulation that had stuck in the proof... and i called Subhendu Sir (my another maths teacher... in his early thirties.. he was more of a friend to me).. and i said...

“oh yeah... i have done it... Sir.. i have completed the proof!!!!!“  

i still feel the goose bumps i felt at that time... it was wonderful.. i felt i was invincible.. next day i gave the proof to him in a pinned three pages... guess my 1st paper... and i named it...

“The co-linearity of the mid points of the diagonals of a complete quadrilateral... by Chitrodeep”

Now that i think about it i feel like laughing my heart out... Yeah it was funny but it did mean a lot to me...

My journey with geometry had ended by the end of tenth... after i had cleared the national Olympiads and went to the imo camp... but then again... now when i look back i think its not the camp or the Olympiad certificates but its those endless nights.. that passion... that intensity that means a lot to me.. that no one can take away from me....

And as i grew older and entered into more modern sciences.. i realised that patterns are not only in the circles and triangles that i used to keep scribbling in my piece of paper but it felt as if they flew out and are there all around me... and now that i am just a minute away from my grand ma’s home... i can see the two sides of the road going toward each other but the best part is this that no matter how far they go... they ll never meet... a beautiful example of an asymptote...
or even the dynamics of the swarm of flies hovering around that street light... the fact that in order to keep getting maximum exposure to light they need to cooperate.. that there are constant phase differences within there oscillations back and forth the light hence giving a uniform distribution around the light.. and not a decreasing density from the light... its incredible how patterns stay hidden within the chaos...
or even the beautiful equation of the centenary that i derived still applies to the hanging rope beneath the  saree in that balcony... all of a sudden kb lane used to get a hell lot more beautiful than it really was... showing that patterns are not only there in geometry but they are there everywhere... in everything... in the ways we think... in the reasons we develop... in the world we see......

And every time i used to reach my grandma’s house... and run out of my three minutes i used to realise that doesn’t matter how hard i try... whatever i do... those days are not coming back. And even though Agt has given me very less reasons to look back at it but sometimes when i get lost in those unwanted walks to those dark shores of my childhood... i still see the washed out pieces of lines, points... and my broken triangles... and wow, they still amuse me....... . .