there are times in my life when it feels as if my life is running slow... as if i am running at least four or five years slower than the world around me....
there are moments when i kinda find it difficult to do things which guys of my age do very easily... there are times when i feel my basic intentions and motivations are very different than the ones around me... there are times when i find it very hard to get the vibe with this whole system. I dont know why but it feels as if that the world has walked ahead.. n yeah.. i have fallen behind............. . .
Even though i do realize that its not that i am trying to be a lame'o who just wants to be like the whole world around him.. but i do believe that there have been some crucial stages of my life that i have skipped ahead... or may be a few lessons of life that i couldn't comprehend or it might be that i have lived a hell lot of blank spaces in my life which i should have filled properly... whatever it is i do know this.... that no matter what, i cant turn 360 around now... that kind of thing is not allowed by nature... she ll never allow me to walk back time..... she wont allow me to fix my broken clock....
I always loved physics... and i was pretty strong in mathematics... deep inside i have never felt that i am logically or imaginatively weak... yet i am sucking up my life with some crap engineering in IIT, and the only reason for it is that when it came to the point that i had to go out there and take a decision.. i neither showed my maturity nor my masculinity to go out there and take a stand... to have said " what the fuck is IIT... I ll be a theoretical physicist.. and yeah i am not for sale".... instead i crawled my ass inside iit................... . . why??.. coz i never had the courage to hold myself up before the mirror.. coz i didnt grow up enough inside to have taken that sort of a stand...
Last day when i went to the bank to give my fees, i got so damn freaked out with all the formalities and stuff... or even when it comes to the exams n all.. i just find it really difficult to motivate myself for the marks n stuff..
sometimes when they start talking in crap Hindi... why the freaking fucking hell cant i just fuck-lips with them... i don't know... i don't know why it becomes so difficult at times to believe in me, to stand beside me... why the hell does it become so damn difficult to like my own self sometimes... i don't know....................
But one thing that i have realized is that no matter how screwed up my past is... no matter how many lessons of my life i have failed... and how many i have bunked but deep inside i do believe that there have been many times that, that little dodo has come out and identified himself in their broken mirror... the fact that its only for him that I am an INMO awardee... the fact that when he got dumped in Calicut... he did fight back n found his way out.... the fact that it doesnt matter where the fuck you dump him, bury him or whatever... he just wont give up... he will fight back and yeah he ll find his way back..... coz thats what i learned from doing geometry.. NEVER EVER GIVE UP... NEVER BACK DOWN.... i learned from my childhood that when the system gives up on you... you should stop looking at yourself from others eyes and open yours... that no matter how much chaotic the world might get... no matter how weird the problems might be... there's always a beautiful solution hidden within.... the fact that may be i couldn't get some of their conventional lessons but i did get some of my own............ . .
Now i know growing up is not a natural process that one goes through in his subconscious.. its a conscious choice that one has to make at some point of one's life... i know there's no point of going about as a big guy with a plastic nipple in his mouth... if this motherfucking world wants to see the wild side.. i am going to give it one.....
i am not going to give up... i am not going to give up on my broken clock.
there are moments when i kinda find it difficult to do things which guys of my age do very easily... there are times when i feel my basic intentions and motivations are very different than the ones around me... there are times when i find it very hard to get the vibe with this whole system. I dont know why but it feels as if that the world has walked ahead.. n yeah.. i have fallen behind............. . .
Even though i do realize that its not that i am trying to be a lame'o who just wants to be like the whole world around him.. but i do believe that there have been some crucial stages of my life that i have skipped ahead... or may be a few lessons of life that i couldn't comprehend or it might be that i have lived a hell lot of blank spaces in my life which i should have filled properly... whatever it is i do know this.... that no matter what, i cant turn 360 around now... that kind of thing is not allowed by nature... she ll never allow me to walk back time..... she wont allow me to fix my broken clock....
I always loved physics... and i was pretty strong in mathematics... deep inside i have never felt that i am logically or imaginatively weak... yet i am sucking up my life with some crap engineering in IIT, and the only reason for it is that when it came to the point that i had to go out there and take a decision.. i neither showed my maturity nor my masculinity to go out there and take a stand... to have said " what the fuck is IIT... I ll be a theoretical physicist.. and yeah i am not for sale".... instead i crawled my ass inside iit................... . . why??.. coz i never had the courage to hold myself up before the mirror.. coz i didnt grow up enough inside to have taken that sort of a stand...
Last day when i went to the bank to give my fees, i got so damn freaked out with all the formalities and stuff... or even when it comes to the exams n all.. i just find it really difficult to motivate myself for the marks n stuff..
sometimes when they start talking in crap Hindi... why the freaking fucking hell cant i just fuck-lips with them... i don't know... i don't know why it becomes so difficult at times to believe in me, to stand beside me... why the hell does it become so damn difficult to like my own self sometimes... i don't know....................
But one thing that i have realized is that no matter how screwed up my past is... no matter how many lessons of my life i have failed... and how many i have bunked but deep inside i do believe that there have been many times that, that little dodo has come out and identified himself in their broken mirror... the fact that its only for him that I am an INMO awardee... the fact that when he got dumped in Calicut... he did fight back n found his way out.... the fact that it doesnt matter where the fuck you dump him, bury him or whatever... he just wont give up... he will fight back and yeah he ll find his way back..... coz thats what i learned from doing geometry.. NEVER EVER GIVE UP... NEVER BACK DOWN.... i learned from my childhood that when the system gives up on you... you should stop looking at yourself from others eyes and open yours... that no matter how much chaotic the world might get... no matter how weird the problems might be... there's always a beautiful solution hidden within.... the fact that may be i couldn't get some of their conventional lessons but i did get some of my own............ . .
Now i know growing up is not a natural process that one goes through in his subconscious.. its a conscious choice that one has to make at some point of one's life... i know there's no point of going about as a big guy with a plastic nipple in his mouth... if this motherfucking world wants to see the wild side.. i am going to give it one.....
i am not going to give up... i am not going to give up on my broken clock.
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