When i was a kid i was really fond of maths. Now in iit i haven't really been able to jack back to that old passion that i used to have for equations , numbers and of course the lines and points which happened to be my constant companions in the days i left by. But even now when the tests come nearer... and the motivation levels go up a bit, i do get to have the same sort of feel again somewhere inside for mathematics.
I used to be a pretty stubborn kid when it used to come to maths though.. truth is i was never a prodigy. All that i had was an ask for the things that seemed weird and hence when every weird theorem used to come before.. every time when they used to tell me "look all these nine special points of a triangle ll always lie in a circle, no matter what triangle you take!!"
it really used to feel as if they are all bringing rabbits out of their hats like professional magicians!!. and all that i used to crave then was to jump into those mysterious hats, all that i used to wish was to go after all those rabbits that used to pop out of their mysterious hats, all that i wanted to do was to discover the world within the hat on my own rather than being followed by bunch of old people...
I never used to give the unsolved problems to my teachers.. it used to feel as if every problem was my fight and just like James Bond fights on his own(was a big bond fan).. i ll fight on my own too. It used to feel that with every single of my failed attempts i am growing up from inside, my insights, my intuitions, my logical analysis is increasing. That no matter whatever it takes the outcome is something that i control... not the teacher who gives me the problem, not the person who designed the problem, not the problem itself.. coz at the end of the day it was me controlling the final outcome, it was me who decides whether i would be able to break through the problem n solve the mystery or not.
But now that I have grown up, I realize that they were right after all. The real world isn't quite as beautiful as simple, as mysterious as it used to be in books. That now its not just small innocent rabbits that i have to connect to. Now its no more me n my exploration alone. There are so many people with their own perception, with their own understandings, n their own private hats that they come out of, there own choices that they ll make of which i hardly have any control, of which the lil dodo (they call me dodo back home!!: ) ) within me just doesn't have the permission to go out there n figure out what's really wrong...
Today as i stand before the mirror as a 19 year old i feel a hell lot powerless and confident that i used to. I dont know any more of how to control the 'outcomes'. I realize that i can't be stubborn kid anymore, that i have to learn to let go..
And i know my distorted childhood has given me a depressive subconscious , emotional instabilities n a hell lot of stuffs that i never wanted to have but I still want to go back, I still want to go back leaving behind this heartless complicated world to my good old black hat where i can still find all my old friends.. all those white rabbits that i was so fond of going after..
I used to be a pretty stubborn kid when it used to come to maths though.. truth is i was never a prodigy. All that i had was an ask for the things that seemed weird and hence when every weird theorem used to come before.. every time when they used to tell me "look all these nine special points of a triangle ll always lie in a circle, no matter what triangle you take!!"
it really used to feel as if they are all bringing rabbits out of their hats like professional magicians!!. and all that i used to crave then was to jump into those mysterious hats, all that i used to wish was to go after all those rabbits that used to pop out of their mysterious hats, all that i wanted to do was to discover the world within the hat on my own rather than being followed by bunch of old people...
I never used to give the unsolved problems to my teachers.. it used to feel as if every problem was my fight and just like James Bond fights on his own(was a big bond fan).. i ll fight on my own too. It used to feel that with every single of my failed attempts i am growing up from inside, my insights, my intuitions, my logical analysis is increasing. That no matter whatever it takes the outcome is something that i control... not the teacher who gives me the problem, not the person who designed the problem, not the problem itself.. coz at the end of the day it was me controlling the final outcome, it was me who decides whether i would be able to break through the problem n solve the mystery or not.
But now that I have grown up, I realize that they were right after all. The real world isn't quite as beautiful as simple, as mysterious as it used to be in books. That now its not just small innocent rabbits that i have to connect to. Now its no more me n my exploration alone. There are so many people with their own perception, with their own understandings, n their own private hats that they come out of, there own choices that they ll make of which i hardly have any control, of which the lil dodo (they call me dodo back home!!: ) ) within me just doesn't have the permission to go out there n figure out what's really wrong...
Today as i stand before the mirror as a 19 year old i feel a hell lot powerless and confident that i used to. I dont know any more of how to control the 'outcomes'. I realize that i can't be stubborn kid anymore, that i have to learn to let go..
And i know my distorted childhood has given me a depressive subconscious , emotional instabilities n a hell lot of stuffs that i never wanted to have but I still want to go back, I still want to go back leaving behind this heartless complicated world to my good old black hat where i can still find all my old friends.. all those white rabbits that i was so fond of going after..
