As i sit beside the river of time

As i sit beside the river of time,

Playing around with fiends so fine.

But sometimes i did wonder though..

Would it have been fum if the flow could go slow

Could we have swam against the flow

Couldn't we just let go...

Now when i look down upon the river of time

I see my reflection smile.

It hardly matters how strong the wave gets,

It hardly matters when really the sun sets

Coz the time we spent was truly euphoric....

Coz the heart within will always be nostalgic....

( dedicated to that small group of despos i met back in nitc..... )

The clear skies and the empty roads.....

"Birds of a feather flock together..."

but very few people understand that if you are a bird of a slightly different feather then it is also very important that you learn to appreciate the clear skies and the empty roads that you will have to come across in life... and guess what, its not always that easy....

This piece is dedicated to all those moments that i had to spend in the world within me, sitting beside the river of time, staring at the clear blue skies and those silent empty roads....... . .

Its weird when someone says "I am different". You either think that the guy is just another big douche bag trying to show off or you will say that the guy is just another despo trying his best to get hold of the lime light. But what if the lime light is trapped in a negative photo where the black goes white, the white goes black.. n the lime light that you had been bragging about just turns out to be a large shadow with the whole crowd drifting away into their own made out whiteness...... . . 

well i am pretty sure that guys who get to live a very big part of their childhood under such shadows donot really speak out "I am different" but its the world, the fate, the time itself that screams out "You are different".

So if today I say "I am different".... i guess i am not a douche bag, not a despo but just a silent kid who gives a nod to all the crap that the world has said for all this time.

For some reason or another I have always found it difficult to camouflage with the crowd....

....sometimes when i reach a place, i find them to have already left it far behind them. ( my lacking in maturity at times and the late biological clock..)

....sometimes i myself dont feel like getting inside the crowd (my choices, my preferences at times are very different from the group... dont know why...)

 ....sometimes i leave behind the crowd far behind.(well, i am not an einstein in every field but yeah there have been times and in things that i have found them trying to catch up with me... really NOT trying to brag over here)

....sometimes its the crowd that tries to leave me alone far behind them (yup... alienation is the exact word... sometimes its the views and the ways that some how get me alienated.... but i believe i blend in much better now )

 ...sometimes i am afraid of the crowd and try to stay as far away as possible (dont like using the word afaid any more but just that this piece has reflections of my childhood... a childhood of being bullied around.... a childhood riddled with  loss, vacant spots, fear.... n the fact that i somehow someway started liking the distant views......  )

 .....n sometimes its just that me n the crowd really don't have anything to do with each other!!:P
(well, many times i am just not interested in group events!! like i am interested in theoretical physics.... a theoretical physicist works alone. It is his own views... his own perception  that finally stands out as his own identity.) 

But i guess as time flowed by i have learned to appreciate the beautiful clear skies and the  silent roads... now when i try to look back along the flow of time i still see all those silent snapshots lighting up in my mind......

i can again see all those lines, points and the beautiful scalene triangles sprout up in beautiful patterns... n the passion that i had for geometry....

i still see the mystery of seeing the catenary hang in it's own unknown equation that i found out... the mystery of the dancing electric fields and the way they developed into magnetic fields.... n how madly i went after higenberg's principle.....: )

i still see that beautiful girl from my corner bench's view... the fair face with open hair hanging around her neck.. n the side views of that enchanting innocent smile... yeah she was my 1st crush..... . .

it seems the little dodo within me is still able to find some small ways to hold on to some of the beautiful days i have left behind in the dark lands of my childhood.... n i can't stop admiring him for doing so....

but now when i sometimes look down at the river of time to see my reflection.... even now when i stand before the mirror before going to sleep.... i feel proud of whoever i see... i dont regret n i dont regret that i stand alone... coz at the end of the day when someone has to stand before the mirror he has to stand alone..... coz at the end of the day when it comes to seeing  my reflection in the river of time... i want to see just ' me '...

n of course i know that it hardly matters how lonely it gets over here in the world within me.. at the end of the day i ll always have 'the clear skies and the empty roads' who have been with me for such a long time..... : )

The Insomniac speaks...

a night.. a day... a night... a day again...

the ' normal ' world has this perception that it is with this mild flow of the river of time that the earth keeps going around its axis, that the skies change their flavor every ounce in a while.

Well, that's what the normal world thinks.... they think coz they believe that they are right...  which they think coz they know their fellow normal friends think the same.

If you ask me i feel like laughing at the innocent world and its innocent beliefs.... these classic minds are so much obsessed with their own limited perceptions that they have no idea of how weird the world, of how ruthless the world out there can be.

Have you ever met an insomniac.... not all get the chance to meet one in their life time. Yeah... i am.. i am an insomniac....

n i have been like this for the last 5 years. And for the last five years the earth has not been spinning like its " normal " self for me....

Whats day... whats night... whats a sunset... n whats a sun rise.... n how exactly my river of time has dried out......

i.. i dont know.... . .

sleep which happens to be a normal part of your life like brushing your teeth or taking a shit is being deleted ounce and for all from mine.... And sometimes when the sleepless nerves get drowned in a painful weakness.... i still dont get to set my sail for a world into the sub conscious part of my mind. I still dont get to see the dreams you are very fond of. I still dont get to meet a nightmare that sets your fear-center on fire... coz. unlike you.. I am no more more having a nightmare with a pair of closed eyes tucked in inside the blanket..... i am living it.

And as the weakness keeps getting higher and higher its more like fainting than sleeping... its like you are fainted with your eyes open. And then you close them just to believe that you are asleep but the whirling fan still screeches.... the blowing wind still keeps whistling through the cracked window..... the pain inside still keeps screaming like somebody has set its balls rolling on the ground......you dont know when again your eyes ll go conscious..... might be in the bus stop.... in the exam hall..... in the bath room..... anywhere.... everywhere....

Unlike them who get to drift into their subconscious world  regularly every 12 hours, I am living it inside a mad dance in between the conscious and subconscious parts of my mind. The sense of time has completely lost its meaning now. You believe in that mild flow of time coz you get to perceive that mild, regular reality every ounce in a while. I haven't perceived that sort of reality for a very long time.

And even though they dont believe in me but thats alright. I know they wont be able to believe that there are multiple realities which are coexisting together, that the " real "world we see is nothing but a reflection of the world we have within us.... they dont know that its not that there are 600 crore people living in this world..... rather there are actually 600 crore worlds.... 600 crore realities which are coexisting together in a planet.

N you might think that i am just trying to be a sexy narrator with a few literal touches here and there... well, if you do so, i don't care coz i know the mind listening to me now is just another of those ' normal ' minds and i have had it with you all.Whatever i perceive n whatever i know are very much real.... i feel it as real as your rear end is feeling the chair right now......

the point is....

"Sir, the psychiatrist would like to see you in 5 minutes..... "

i was writing my blog. but i closed my laptop at ounce.

The next instant my eyes opened, the fat psychiatrist was staring at me with his bubble big eyes.

"So Mr. shditrodeep (Russians find it hard to call my name)... Wat shims to be the praablem?? "

" a distorted sleep cycle... and even though sometimes when i feel weak  i find it very difficult to diffuse into the subconscious part from the conscious part of my mind.... its as if i am lost inside my own mind and somehow, someway i have lost that happy subconscious part along the way..... "

when i looked up i saw him already writing down the medicines.....

"If you dont want to listen then why do you even ask?? "

"Waat... i understaandh thaat you are having sleeep praablems... (laughs) "

"Why should you Mr. Dmitri.... I am sitting in a seat where everyone is by default a mad guy... people who are never meant to be heard...... "

"iiths naat like thaaat ser...... ( n was saying other senseless stuff ) "

"do you know why I am having this problem... like whats the reason behind?? "

"hah hah hah..... Mishther shditrodeep, you are a phydzishist... i am a shychiatrist.... i daont care about reasaons like you.... i care about cures..... "

"yeah right..... cures "

I have liked cold face characters in Hollywood ever since i was a lil kid....

James Bond, Wolverine , Jason Bourne and even Batman!!! and thats why i thought i ll try sketching a character on my own.....

and i know i am no writer but writing really is fun n i guess its a really nice way to break the monotony ova hea.....

n just to let you know that i havent sketched a character till now other than me(all my notes are in 1st person!!!). This happens to be my 1st time... so do go easy on me;-)