Hi again. Its been a long time that i have written something or at least have given it a thought. But i guess its the very first time i have decided to give 'his confessions' its very first direct confession. It does feel a lil awkward actually coz till now all my confessions were stories of my life, my thoughts , my crazy ideas of physics or the loud cries of the depressed side disguised in made up stories or imaginary setbacks just to hide the slightly conscious inside of the outside world (and also to try out different styles of writing at times:P)... but then again i guess sometimes its important to close your eyes and deny to look at the world out there.. guess sometimes its important to close your eyes and let go...
So here i am.. letting go...
I am home. After a very long time actually. Its been like 5 months that i had bid good bye to Agartala and its Sub-urbs (thats where our home is).. Its nice to be home again. It really is nice to be amongst all the people i had known since i was a kid, to blend in among all the bongs again. Most of the evenings i go to teach my cousin brother geometry and its also fun to be amongst lines and points again: )
At nights the mom made fish turns out to be the perfect way of giving the home flavored days its own happy endings. Mom is a great company. She after all is one of those typical bong girls... the beautiful etroverts alongside whom it does get tough at times to feel bored at all. Now that i am officially an iitian sometimes i end up getting more attention from people here than i actually deserve. But i guess its alright, not something i didnt expect:P.
Its still hard to catch up with the friends though; partly because not everyone here is having their summers this time of the year and everyone is busy n partly because i never was that good in keeping up the connections with people i ounce knew. I never was that good in looking back and missing people.
I ll be lieing that back in Delhi i used to miss my home a lot. As a kid i wasnt quite fortunate enough to have one of the best childhoods and i guess somehow someway i am the one responsible behind it. I still regret the fact that i havent been able to develop a strong connection with the place where i was supposed to belong. But thats okay i guess, everyone of us makes mistakes at certain points of their lives that go on to be a defining character of their identities...
As a kid i always dreamt of going out there... away from home, away from the bongs, away from all restrictions, out there in the wild... exploring, perceiving, discovering and believing in the ways i wanted to. It was nice to think of a life where there is no more requirement of being obedient , no more requirement of being dependent , no more requirement of staying 'restricted' anymore.
But i still dont find anything wrong in it. i guess growing up in a small city is like growing up in a small island, cut out from the world, where you grow up looking at the same old horizon with the same old dreams of someday growing up and going up to that infinite line and peepig theough it at the lost world out there. And as you grow up your childish dreams practicalize to some extend but still they manage to not loose the childish charm they ounce had... and hence one day you do walk out in search of your newer horizons but i guess every ounce in a while its always nice coming back to your lil island;-)
But even though mom is a nice company it does get boring at times. On top of that my lap top has become completely empty! It did come all loaded with ODC downloads from hostel network.. but soon viruses , crashes n emptiness followed by!!:D.. leaving behind my days here pretty 'empty' n boring.
I did plan a lot of stuffs for the summer. I was supposed to learn cooking , work out in a gym and move ahead of feynman lectures (partly because i had already seen the schrodinger equation getting proved after 16 long chapters:P and partly because i wasnt finding many problems to solve on my own... feynman lectures have no problems:-/)
So i decided to learn the non feynmanian formulation of q.m from Sakurai. But nothing seems to be pulling together for the moment. The sick boredom seems to have eaten up my spirit. It also has become difficult to concentrate on physics and bring back that same old addiction, that passion after a year long vacation that i have spent with all the einsteins back in iit and its shit courses(you all who think iitians are bunch of nerds should come to our hostel sometime;-). Sometimes i do question myself of how much i actually like physics.. Surely something that no true physics student has ever asked himself, let alone the physicists.
In short.. i am bored, confused, dead and lost and i want to come back...
I want to came back to those times when i used to be "the passionate addicted physics student out with his own voyage in the unknown seas of nature..."
So here i am.. letting go...
I am home. After a very long time actually. Its been like 5 months that i had bid good bye to Agartala and its Sub-urbs (thats where our home is).. Its nice to be home again. It really is nice to be amongst all the people i had known since i was a kid, to blend in among all the bongs again. Most of the evenings i go to teach my cousin brother geometry and its also fun to be amongst lines and points again: )
At nights the mom made fish turns out to be the perfect way of giving the home flavored days its own happy endings. Mom is a great company. She after all is one of those typical bong girls... the beautiful etroverts alongside whom it does get tough at times to feel bored at all. Now that i am officially an iitian sometimes i end up getting more attention from people here than i actually deserve. But i guess its alright, not something i didnt expect:P.
Its still hard to catch up with the friends though; partly because not everyone here is having their summers this time of the year and everyone is busy n partly because i never was that good in keeping up the connections with people i ounce knew. I never was that good in looking back and missing people.
I ll be lieing that back in Delhi i used to miss my home a lot. As a kid i wasnt quite fortunate enough to have one of the best childhoods and i guess somehow someway i am the one responsible behind it. I still regret the fact that i havent been able to develop a strong connection with the place where i was supposed to belong. But thats okay i guess, everyone of us makes mistakes at certain points of their lives that go on to be a defining character of their identities...
As a kid i always dreamt of going out there... away from home, away from the bongs, away from all restrictions, out there in the wild... exploring, perceiving, discovering and believing in the ways i wanted to. It was nice to think of a life where there is no more requirement of being obedient , no more requirement of being dependent , no more requirement of staying 'restricted' anymore.
But i still dont find anything wrong in it. i guess growing up in a small city is like growing up in a small island, cut out from the world, where you grow up looking at the same old horizon with the same old dreams of someday growing up and going up to that infinite line and peepig theough it at the lost world out there. And as you grow up your childish dreams practicalize to some extend but still they manage to not loose the childish charm they ounce had... and hence one day you do walk out in search of your newer horizons but i guess every ounce in a while its always nice coming back to your lil island;-)
But even though mom is a nice company it does get boring at times. On top of that my lap top has become completely empty! It did come all loaded with ODC downloads from hostel network.. but soon viruses , crashes n emptiness followed by!!:D.. leaving behind my days here pretty 'empty' n boring.
I did plan a lot of stuffs for the summer. I was supposed to learn cooking , work out in a gym and move ahead of feynman lectures (partly because i had already seen the schrodinger equation getting proved after 16 long chapters:P and partly because i wasnt finding many problems to solve on my own... feynman lectures have no problems:-/)
So i decided to learn the non feynmanian formulation of q.m from Sakurai. But nothing seems to be pulling together for the moment. The sick boredom seems to have eaten up my spirit. It also has become difficult to concentrate on physics and bring back that same old addiction, that passion after a year long vacation that i have spent with all the einsteins back in iit and its shit courses(you all who think iitians are bunch of nerds should come to our hostel sometime;-). Sometimes i do question myself of how much i actually like physics.. Surely something that no true physics student has ever asked himself, let alone the physicists.
In short.. i am bored, confused, dead and lost and i want to come back...
I want to came back to those times when i used to be "the passionate addicted physics student out with his own voyage in the unknown seas of nature..."
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