Beautiful, captivating... n yeah a lil bit uncertain...... . .

+1, +2 days were awesome and i think the most beautiful part of those days were the physics tutions... and i still remember how i used to listen to the lectures... pretty much like a little boy listening with a pair of open eyes to his grandma reading him stories of angels and kings of an unknown world...

but frankly speaking.... physics tutions werent just beautiful because of the passion i had for physics... and i guess the  reason they used to get a whole lot more interesting was because of this pretty girl sitting just in front of me in all my physics tutions.... she was beautiful... smart.. not any 36-24-36 H-bomb though... but yeah, she had a beautiful smile ...and this piece is being written on one of those physics classes that i had back in those days...

it was about 8 at night... modern physics was going on... one of my favs... and as usual sir went out to get his evening 'pan' promising us that ounce he returns we were going to see what was known as  'hisenberg's uncertainity principle'....

and yeah i was really excited... almost got loose of a nice mechanics problem i was working on... and just as he walked out... 'she' walked in.. with a long skirt... and a nice top.. and yeah, guess what?? she was looking pretty good... unlike always of course...  and by the time she sat next to me... hisenberg along with  his stupid principle got lost in some lost world i neva cared.. n with him that idiot also took my mechanics problem.. but who cares.. i had a whole new.. nice.. slightly complicated... but a really good looking problem coming my way.... n i was no way going to get busy with some fat bald hisenberg n his principle......

ounce she settled in,  in the bench right beside me... i realised i was staring at a girl just like another idiot with no other real work to do... not that there was no one else after her... and i guess i neva really wanted to fit in any line n all...  by the time sir walked in n started his lecture... i tried hard to concentrate... but nature has its own ways of breaking any monotony... and over here it was me getting distracted by her... n with time i realised that sir was half way done n the idiot was still staring at her like 'the boy' with a pair of open eyes with all the 'wrong' reasons....

but i guess he couldnt help it... after all when she used to start writing up her notes with a bunch of hair falling around her cheek... with a faint smile( guess she knew i was still staring...) yeah those were few moments i would love to get trapped in... for my entire life.... but then i realised i already got behind by a lot... i really wanted to take the notes from her but i never really wanted to disturb the view... i kept thinking for a while and realised its not really possible... i have got to distort the view a bit to get what i want... and thats it... i again got busy with hisenberg n his principle.....

while going back home in our car i kept thinking about his principle... didnt really make much sense... why is he saying that position n momentum... energy n time... all these pairs in any system can never be calculated precisely??... why do they keep deriving a probabilistic picture??... what might be the basic physical realisation??... confused n thrilled i kept looking out into the open night sky through my window n wondered how wierd n beautiful n mesmerising this world is....

we reached home n climbed the stairs... and before i reached our flat... something really beautiful just sparked within my mind n i asked myself... can i know whether mom is inside??... by not doing anything n not disturbing the present picture... it was much of my own thought experiment... about 2 minutes or so i just stood there before my door n i kept thinking... believe it or not i had my heart beating at a faster rate... i realised a door of a very new world (the one of quantum mechanics) is just about to open for me... after sometime i realised it cant be done... it just cant be done... i have got to distort the picture a bit... i pressed the calling bell... mom ran in n opened the door... the conclusion was weird n yet beautiful... wow..

thats why Hisenberg said like that... thats what he said.. didnt he??.. i just solved the whole fucking riddle... WOW

..in order to know about this natural world... we need to distort it a bit... we need to disturb it n analyses the way the world behaves in response to that specific disturbance... that is the only way we can measure or perceive things... but in the process we dont realise that the view we get is just a disturbed view of this world... thats why its never possible to predict the exact natural parameters in any system with total accuracy... thats how the uncertainties are creeping in....

i took my dinner n said good night to my parents... but all along i felt Hisenberg whispering his ideas into my mind... or may be it was just that lil boy hidden somewhere within me....

as i switched off the lights in my room... and stood beside the window... i felt a cool breeze blowing in... n somehow it felt as if it just went touching my  heart deep within... i kept staring at the beautiful crescent moon in the dark night sky.. n kept thinking of one of the most beautiful lessons of my life that i had learned that night... that this world is beautiful, captivating, mesmerizing n yeah.. a lil bit 'uncertain'..

... . .

A stranger i met in the world within...

I was sitting on a bench in a platform in the Calicut railway station… waiting for the train that was about to take me to Bangalore… somewhere within I did feel bad coz I was about to bid goodbye to a place I stayed for the last whole year… made so many nice friends… spent some really nice time… but at the same time I was really excited that I had made it to iitd… that boy within me who was always in search of new horizons was finally getting a bit more wind beneath his own wings… with many such mixed feelings inside.. I just sat there enjoying the beautiful evening breeze… n waiting for my train…

The train arrived in some time n me n my dad boarded it… settled in our respective seats… mine was a window seat… had a book with me n just as I started reading it… Feynman lectures (awesome book, u guys should give it a try)… a boy of somewhere in the middle of 20s sat right opposite to me(23 or 24 or something…around 6 ft 2 with hair falling around… nice body texture… n got to say… a really different face… )

‘’Feynman lectures huh??... Sure takes me back in time… “

‘Yeah? …awesome read… I love it… I like physics… ‘

“Hehe… me too kid… I love physics too…i have done engineering physics from iitb… “

‘Wow... Bombay huh? Cool… I wanted to make it there too… but Bombay dreams have crashed real bad… have got iitd ep though… I hope it isn’t that bad…’

“Yeah? Great… congrats… n iitd ep’s aint that bad so don’t sweat it… n just in case… being an iitian with ep doesn’t make you passionate in physics kid… I like physics coz I like it… just like that“

‘Wow… powerful lines there…Huh? N just in case… I m no kid’

“Hehe… I m sure you are not… it’s just that seeing you just made me go back to my own jee days… that passion… that intensity… if only I could get those days back…”

‘Well even I have left mine too I guess… I still remember those nights of endless problem solving… n even how we used to spend the whole night trying to track down the logics n realizations behind the theories… how awesome it felt when we saw matter waves flowing before our own eyes… n how the dancing fluctuating electric fields used to give rise to magnetic fields…’

Just then I saw the dude staring at me like some biologist stares at an endangered alien from some other planet or something… kind of freaked me out if you ask me…

‘Dude… wassap??...’

“Hehe… nothing… Continue… how do the electric fields dance??… “

‘What the hell… c’mon… that was just one of my Shakespearian touches… I meant how a continuously fluctuating electric field gives rise to magnetic fields…”

“Really? Go on… tell me… how??”

‘Great… I have just made a joke out of myself, haven’t I… it’s alright… the jokes over… I am not saying a word now…’

“Kid… u don’t really get it... Do you? You are way too afraid to get it wrong… to make a mistake… it’s our mistakes that teach us… it’s our questions that make us who we are… people think Einstein knew a lot… how many of you know that he was the one to have the most number of questions too… n it doesn’t matter even if you get it all wrong… it’s the intensity of your attempt that keeps the momentum alive… it’s never about finding solutions kid… it’s about asking questions… the destiny doesn’t matter… it’s the ride that matters…”

Okay now… got to tell you… most of the part of that highO lecture of his did go 'over' my head… then I was like-

‘Umm… okay…. So like what should I do now??’

“Well… tell me about the fluctuating fields… “

Now I always like it when someone wants to know something from me… not really into giving awesome lectures… but I do love explaining things from my own perspective…

‘Wow… so you really want me to set it all up… huh??’

“Yeah kid… set it all on fire”

‘Cool… so it all works in this way… most of the time physicists try to come up with equations that can explain natural phenomena… but many times they seem to be less interested in the reasons behind their occurrence… just the way how electric fields fluctuate and why the magnetic fields apear aczactly of those specific properties…’

“Nice start… go on…”

‘Now imagine a charge continuously oscillating at its point… so the linear separations from every point in space is changing continuously and hence the fields are continuously fluctuating… but there will always be a time lag in space… so that’s how you can realize that a wave will continuously flow from the charge to all around… so if you can deeply imagine the picture you will find out that the continuously fluctuating electric field is very different from a static electric field…’

“yeah... you are right..But then kid... That still doesn’t explain how the magnetic fields appear right??”

‘Yeah I know… now here comes the twist… if you can imagine the whole picture… you will realise that we just cant imagine continuously fluctuating electric fields to be static but different eletric field at different instants… do you get it??... If you do it’s like imagining a continuously moving car to be a static car at different places at different instants… which doesn’t make any sense…’

“Yeah… u are right kid…It’s like quantizing time n breaking the time line into bits of time… but you can’t do that coz time is a physical realization n time is continuous… right??”

‘Absolutely… so we need to consider continuously fluctuating electric fields to be static but a different electric field  at every instant  ..p l u s …a field that can give rise to the continuity… the one that eventually gets named as the magnetic field…’

“Wow kid… you did make some sense over there…nice, guess what??... You are doing well for a kid… keep up the good work…”

'DUDE!!... FOR CHRIST'S SAKE STOP CALLING ME A KID!!... n even though I came up with a basic realization… but I kind of suck in mathematically modeling it…. So I guess there’s no use…’

“You are still a kid, aren’t you??… mathematicians play with logic and manipulations… but physics is just not about finding equations kid… its where we see the equations come alive… where every variable keeps a story hidden within it… mathematical modeling is important… but the physical realization is what it’s all about… n as for the mathematics… think with Fourier analysis….” [Winks… n tries to get the bottle from the bag kept underneath the seat]

‘Fourier??... what he has to do with all this??’[Kind of dumb question to ask… but I guess that’s what it’s all about… never stop asking!!!]

“Well… Fourier analysis helps us to look at non differentiable functions as a function which is ‘hardly’ differentiable by turning it into a sum of infinite differentiable component functions… n differentiability is continuity at the 2nd internal dimension of calculus… so might just help you out…”

'didnt quite get you... how can non differentiability be 'hardly' differentiable??'

"its like how you use limits... the differentiabily is so low with the vertical tangent almost getting perpendicular... that its like tending towards non-differentiability... got it??"

‘Are you kidding me??... That’s awesome… thanks.. it might just help me track down mathematically how the continuous fluctuations give rise to te magnetic fields… n guess what… it might even combine the two natures of light… by considering particle nature which is discontinuous into a special case of wave nature… bringing in the continuity…’

“Really??…never thought of that… Hehe!!... Seeing you I remember my own days i left behind… never lose the spirit kid... if you really want to stand before the mirror and be happy “

‘Well… thanks… n I sure hope that was a compliment [Felt I cracked a nicely timed joke over there in the train but now it seems so gay!!]

Just then the train started shaking and people around got a bit nervous n all… but he stayed calm… n said…

“Remember one thing… it’s not the world around you that can help you to break out someday… it’s the one that lies within you…”

it was getting a lil loud then... but after listening to that... i just kept staring at him... the line didnt make much sense but it did strike right within....

The train started shaking like hell after that… n then the next moment I saw Rahul shaking me n saying-

” DUDE!… WAKE UP!!… stop sleeping in the class… that math’s mam is like a whole big Hitler without the thing down there( ;-] )… she will kill you”

‘Oh shit man!!... Uaahh [yawning] ..stayed up the whole night to finish off magnetism… not much time left… jee is in 2 months… I don’t know how big an egg I am going to lay in iit-jee this time… AAAAaaauuhh[yawning again!!]…

“Hehe!!... Don’t worry… you will make it…

fuck you Fourier!!… eeuuuhhh!!"[While solving a problem going on in the class…]

‘Hehe!!… C’mon..Fourier’s not that bad…’

The boy who got 3 outta 10...

kind of weird... isnt it??.. you wake up in the morning n walk to the basin for brushing your teeth... n just when u r going to look at the mirror... mom calls out.. 'hi, iitian'[with all the evil leg pulling expressions at her face.....] n then you turn around with a smile n say 'huh... ' like u dont care or something but just then you look into the mirror again n try to find the iitian out of yourself....

yeah thats how my morning was today... n guess what??.... staring at the mirror with all those poses didnt really come of any help... just showed my yellow teeth which i felt required some brushing n of course the fact that my moms deep affection had driven my size zero to all the double-tripple digits possible.... god!! n they still say home food is great....

then i sat for the breakfast n.........[ !!lets just skip the boring parts.. it seems the guys beyond this lcd screen are all getting kind of sleepy.... but that is alright i guess... i am just a 5-notes-writer u see..:-P..] so here i was with the glass of cold coffee in my hand standing beside our long window n enjoying the morning breeze... n trying to turn around all those pages of my life that has somehow someway driven me into this so called hyped tag of an 'iitian'.....

u see guys even though they call me an iitian... but guess what.. i dont really have a past or the pattern that every iitian must have left behind him.... n if someone goes back to my schools and tells the teachers that.. that last bencher useless worthless mad fellow has made it into one of the best 5 iits n that too with engineering physics... i am pretty sure that it will hit them like some guy has beaten a bloody drum on their black bald heads n their slimy tounges will surely drop out.... "WHAT?!! HOW? WHEN? no way......."

acads were always quite below average.... i still remember how my mom cried after i failed in bengali in my 3rd standard in the mid-term... mom always wanted to see great marks... n good positions in the class.. but i always used to end up somewhere below the list... n i still remember how the guys left out my name when all the rkm fellows used to make a list of top aggregate marks to see how the charts going in the class... n often it used to be difficult to even get my name in it...(it used to be really competitive back then in rkm)...

too bad i could never make mom understand that education is just not about getting marks n jobs n stuffs... its a communication of ideas... where u learn to grow in the world within n know about the world outside... but i guess lil dodo was way too little n way too afraid to say all that....

i still remember how the classes used to seem like cages n how i used to struggle to find my own piece of the sky... n no matter how much i tried... it always used to be the last bench or the stupid punishments that awaited me.... every time i used to stand up for an answer or a question... either i used to be laughed at or eyed at... as if some alien has come n speaking its own bla bla language... n as for the teachers.. i still remember how i used to be the biggest useless menace to be talked about in the staffrooms... n what that guy said when the group went out to bunk a class....

' go n hide behind that bush... we dont want that teacher to see you in the group... we ll say we are having a games class now... cmon.. get going.. ll u??'

my 50s n 60s were never good enough for mom... i used to get scolded like hell... primary n middle school went out in that darkest of the fears... i always used to leave my test copies either in the desks or slide them into a classmate's bag...[a cheap thing to do.. still]... every thing used to be better then getting scolded or may be beaten.... n that long walk from bus stop to home with those suicidal bombs hidden in my bag... it used to feel as if am walking on a curve and the rate i am going towards home is just asymptotic... the more i go towards.. the slower the walk used to get... slow enough at the end to even cross the gate.... n then all of a sudden i used to get the papers out n dump them right in the drain... did it many times[ especially with unit tests.. u dont need to give them back to teacher... so;-) ]

n sometimes all my crimes used to even hit the wanted list... ounce there was this bengali-test in the class... [standard-6 i guess]...  n i got a brilliant 3 outta 10... but my hitlerised osama like teacher never found that equally brilliant so he wrote a note at the end of my answers n told to get it sighned by my gardian... n i was terrified to take this love letter home... sighned it myself n left it at the bench... next day when he saw my dad's err... okay my so called dad's signature... he matched it with my leave applications from before.... n the guy just got infuriated n took me to the principal n then my parents were called.... i got into some serious trouble that day... got beaten.. scolded.. thrashed like you do it to some over grown cow to get it out of the roads.... n all that because of that hitler... i sure hope i dont see him again in life....

but i guess all those torture n all that darkness taught me to close my eyes n try to look at the world within rather than looking at the world outside... n i guess thats why i could develope in all the few ways that lil dodo could find... it was only because i found a passion in geometry when i was in at the end of eightth that my logic started improving... and i did well in olympiads n in science... but even then i guess i havent been able to circle out my childhood out of my past.... people say n write a lot of things about their childhood... but i guess that piece of the sky was never meant to be mine...

by the time i finished my coffee... n went to the kitchen to keep the glass...

'thanks mom,.. the shake was good... ll miss your cold coffees in iitd....'

mom smiled back n animated a flying kiss... [ too bad i only get it from my mom these days].... i laughed n was about to get back to my room....

'hey.. i wanted to tell you something.... i want you to know that we are proud of you... do well in iitd.... n dont again end up with a 3 outta 10 like u did in nitc..'[with that trademark smile in her face]'

hehe.. i understand mom... i wont..'

The wings that wanted to go wild....

n sometimes when i try to look back at the days i left by.... i still see him in that silent corner of the classroom... sitting beside that large window.. staring at the world outside with a pair of open eyes... n yeah even though he didnt have any idea of how tough n brutal the world outside can be... but the fire within his eyes... was enough to show his aspirations... his dreams of going independent... of checking out the world out there... of discovering new horizons....

n even though he is just one of those characters who are walking away into that fog of my distorted memories.... but still dont know why i do share a strange connection... after all he is just me....

n just like everyone has their own childhood dreams.... i was totally obsessed with wings.... it used to feel as if someone have trapped us all in this plane... that this absence of wings was much more of a curse or something to us from above....

n still now i remember how mesmerizing it used to be to see those flocks of birds flying up above in the sky... n slowly how they used to get lost amongst the clouds.... as if they have escaped our world n have entered the other side....

i guess this obsession of wings n flight n.. independence was much more than just a dream or fantasy for me at that time.... but as i have left my childhood days behind... this silly lil question still persists somewhere within me.... n if someday i meet someone like god n all... i ll ask him why he didnt give us the wings... like why is it that we are meant to be enclosed within this two dimensional world... why is it that..  that very last degree of freedom is denied to us??...

[n yeah i do hope god is no biologist... then he might just make fun of a lil kid's question n then of course i would tell him to spare the kid the boring bla bla lecture on Darwin's theory that ll obviously follow.... funny, isnt it??.. darwin tried to understand god's ways... n now its turning the other way around... ]

but then again... those silly questions back from my boyhood days have taken all the new versions within me now.... now when i see a middle aged girl come n clean my hostel room... n when i m in a bus n see through the window that large slum of Delhi... when every time a kid comes n asks for a penny in the railway platform... i feel like asking is this world really independent?.... can a wing really come n blow away all the blackness in this world?.... i doubt...

n i guess every one will be having his own bad times... sometimes it used to feel as if it doesnt matter how much i try to break out of the cage... doesnt matter how hard i try... i ll still find them switching off the big bright sun... n then they ll paint the beautiful blue sky all black.... n might just take away all the nice stars left out in the blackness of the sky above... n the moment i ll be breaking out n spreading my beautiful white wings all around to take off... they ll cut the wind supply... if you dont give air... it doesnt matter how hard i flap my wings.... i wont be getting any reaction from the air around to get the lift.... if only there could be a bit more wind beneath my wings...... . .

but i guess life comes up with its own challenges n its own tests.... n may be they wont give us the air to fly high... may be they dont want us to reach the other side.... but if we work on our own... if we improve our ideas... our skills... our ways...if we believe in our passion.. then no one can stop us from getting our own piece of the sky.... n thats what i learnt from that lil kid sitting at that corner... that the wings are not meant to fly in the sky in the world around us... but its for the world within us.... that its meant to discover ourselves in their broken mirror...

that it doesnt matter how hard they try.... the wings are wild n ll be wild forever..... . .

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