11 random confessions! - part I

some are funny.. some are just plane stupid! :D

#1 ' You mind if I burn all your hair bands! ? ?  -:-| '

I always found chicks who tie their hair to be such a waste... i mean why cant someone just inject the fact in their heads that you can look so much better with letting go of it n setting the hair free, seeing it fall all around you ;-)

#2 ' 'Move' your lazy asses, boring people... (-_-)~~ '

I find it really weird how most of the people grow up, plan life, live it out n die in one small place and somewhere around it when the whole fucking world is so large, beautiful, exciting, diverse n waiting to be explored!! O_O

#3 ' Racist n proud of it... 3;D~' 

Redheads, cowgirls, bengalis with big eyes n round faces, northies with tangy facecuts, tribals with sexy eyes n perfect figure and yeah, the straight hair, blacks wih great asses n juicy lips... someway or the other i am a racist who appreciates and respects each race the way they are. (the girls mainly! :P) 

#4 ' Yes, i ll eat you up, just tell'em to cook you well.. B-| '

I am a die-hard carnivore tottally into non-veg... chicken, mutton, fish, prawns, crabs, turtles, lobsters,beef, pork etc.... you name it, i ll dive in! :D

#5 ' I find you amazing... : ) '

The first time i decided to confess to a girl, i decided i ll to do it very differenetly unlike anyone.

This was the plan - i ll call her to come home, show her the place in our roof above the cemented water tank from where the sunset looks amazing (she loved sunsets) n then eventually as i ll flirt along in the friendly-classy way i  always  did, i ll confess in the local rural bengali- 'amar tore bhalo lage' ( ' I find you amazing...' )

never happened - didnt get iit first time - got depressed - left everything n dumped myself in nitC.

#6 ' Why the hell is that kid so different?? >_< '

As a kid i always felt that i have failed badly in taking up the bengali culture before and the northy culture now. I regretted it then n still regret it to some extend.. i think i could have been a way happier person if i could blend in amongst everyone. but then whats gone is gone.... n whats now is kinda weird so.. neva mind :D

#7 ' Yeah, i thought i am adopted or something! <:-7~~ '

As a kid i deeply regretted the fact that i didnt look as attractive as my parents. It sorta drifted away as i kept growing up. Even now it hits me rarely of what all crap i used to think when i see my tall, dark dad and my beautiful bengali beauty! ;-)

#8 ' No, wait, i deny to change!!! O_o '

There has been this sudden switch in my outlook.. i think i am drifting from liking to keep it 'casual' to 'classy' n i am finding this transition kinda weird... i mean i neva thought i ll be into 'good leather boots n wallets, eye gears, red wine, davidoff smokes, smart fit jeans n shirts (hated shirts then ), a slightly formal yet kinda casual accent n stuff... this is freaky n really weird.. :-/ O.o

#9 ' Yeah, i walked back from dead.... i ll do it again #-l '

I dream to be a physicist someday but the track record left till now is not very impressive.. 3rd sem withdrawn coz of lung infection- 4th sem went at the levels of okay... but thats my thing i guess, i always come back from the dead.. 
-flunked iit 1st time n then fought back from nitc hostels, didnt get state olympiad first time n next time i got national, regional n state maths olympiads in same year.. am i bragging?-nope.. I am just trying to stay optimistic n be the fighter that i can........

#10 ' Yes, this sure is one huge problem :- / '

I guess the problem is that i am the 1st nerd in the line of spoiled brats!! i feel i seriously need to be more organised, focussed, calm n disciplined... but i guess your god kept it for the last day of earth (not 'my' god coz i dont believe in one :P)

#11 ' I ll ride, n you ll ride with me... n sooner or later the horizon wont be as far c|-j'

Even though i am a non-veg but i love animals n respect them.. especially the wild ones... coz they are free, natural, unbound, uncaged, unruled. Even then if i have to get a pet of my own i ll have a dark brown andulusian horse someday..... . . ;-) 3:D~

................This is my first 11 confess. post n i know it didnt quite turn out to be as funny as i should have made it.. but then, i guess i ll just give it 'a more spirited afferd' to rub my humour a lil bit more next time!! ;-) :P

Through their blind eyes..

Distorted identities could never have been more profound

Dislocated realities is still where he kept himself to be found
Did he want to be found or did they dig him out?
We would never know..
Eyes looking back and eyes looking away
Blindness is all that the heartless eyes had to say
Judging him wasnt any right earned by the minds so shallow
Alienation, agglomeration is all that, that could possibly follow

Heartless souls and the soulless world had to keep up 
had to keep up with his unwanted existance
Little did they know that even he didnt want to stay up
Stay up and take the worthless world anymore
But then Giving up wasnt really in his hands anymore
The good old dug out grave could see the fire at his core...

So he did rise from his grave and he did flush his past off
A good old styled middle finger and a nice old 'fuck off'

Through their blind eyes this time they saw a new person
someone they shamelessly called 'self obsessed'
an obnoxious unsocial being about to worsen..
Well, they could see all that they wanted and say all that they wanted
But never did he ever look back, a Lone Ranger enchanted...... . .

        

'your love makes me strong, your hate makes me unstoppable...'

   
 - Cr7

'Chitrodeep' .....and how it became my name

Technically i should get back to studies for my project but then again majors just got over. Yet Prof. Ravishankar is waiting, pointing his gun at me on some random instant on monday but thats still 24 hours away so you see, i technically do have some time to dodge the bullet! ;-)

So here i am, dropping by in my blog.. and like all the other times i get to have a 'go!' at any of my random ramblings (thats one of the reasons why i like this place!) but this time i guess i have decided to cut the randomization and say something a little bit more footed.. 'The story behind my name'

Hi, I am Chitrodeep, born and braught up in a small bengali family. And like most of my fellow bengalis i do have a 'very' bengali name... generally our names are slightly long, foreign creatures find our names quite girly (this is NOT true!-_-) and they think all of us are obsessed with the sound 'O'! Well, come to think of it i guess the last part is to some extend true but then there is always one default vowel that gets overused in any language and i guess the first bong dude did fell in love with 'O':D.

But there is one way that my name does stand apart, my name has 'no meaning' unlike all my other bengali friends. Generally bengali names always have deep analogical artistic meanings.... Take my school friends; Dhrishni ('the falling rays of sun') , Nilanjan ( one with 'deep blue eyes' ) , Meghabarna ( 'who bears the clouded texture' ), Srutarthi ( 'one with a crave for the symphony' ) , Shoubhik (an enchanter).... and i can just keep going on and on but i hope you guys get the point by now.... ;-)

On the other hand there's my name, 'Chitro' which means a painting and 'deep' which means a flame; together there's no such word like 'Chitrodeep' in the language. Now one can force it in though like my mom did, 'a painting of a lamp' or 'a painting beside a lamp' or 'a painting set on fire by a lamp!!:P' but yeah, none of it really makes any solid sense.... I as many might say is very 'meaningless'.. (if you define a person by his name!)

There ofcourse is a reason behind this accidental meaninglessness; I never was named in a usual bengali way 'after some exotic poetic imagination'; i was more named after someone else.. a lady.. whome neither I ever knew nor my family.. and that is where i guess the whole story had stayed burried all along.. well untill that day..

I was at my grandma's home that day and as usual we were having a great time. My grandma and my aunt (mother's elder brother's wife!) were discussing about my encounters with the opposite sex. My granny was like she wont allow the girl in her home if she comes with 'a mini skirt' on and my aunt was like 'how many bengali chicks are there in IITd anyway?'... and just to piss them off i was saying i had already met a muslim kashmiri in delhi! (man! i so wish.. :P) 

its always fun, bengali families are generally very open minded with a modern outlook and we have loads of fun in useless discussions (we even have a name for it! ' adda ' :D ).. addas at home are always fun because everybody is very close and friendly. Eventually this topic led to something else pretty vaguely related to it and then to something else and going along finally it got to my name... my grandma said something and then she ignored it. Later when i discussed with mom, I kind of got a seventy-thirty assurance... and how it was vaguely related to my encounters.. well, here goes... :P

Generally in bengali families its the youngest maternal uncle who names the kid.. and the time when i was born my uncle was a young man in his late teens about to appear for his 12th standard exams.. During that time in our neighbourhood there was a girl named 'Chitrorupa' who they say was amazingly beautiful and her name really did blend in perfectly with who she used to be.. 'Chitrorupa' as in 'someone whose beauty is worth to be painted'..... they say my uncle kind of had a thing for her but eventually she got married to an engineer in US and left. Those days girls used to get married very soon.. (mom got married at 21 to dad who was 28.)

The turn of events really must have left my uncle pretty shattered. Guess the only expression of his loss he left was through my name.

You see, 'Chitrodeep' is basically nothing but a desperate attempt to somehow masculinate the name of Chitrorupa... :D

Its kind of weird though, to be named after a failed love but then again now my uncle is a successful businessman with a beautiful wife and they are newly married and very much in love. Guess life really does keep going and time really does keep flowing not caring about how the past treated you, irrespective of what the present has in store for you.... guess, future truly is always uncertain..
And as for my name, it still is 'Chitrodeep' but at the end of the day its just no more than a sound associated to a certain person.

Guess one thing that our old bengali ancestors never realized is that the 'meaning' of the name is nothing but the very 'person' it has been given to.

So as for what 'Chitrodeep' really means.. well, it means me.

 I learned very early the difference between knowing the name of something and knowing something
-Richard P Feynman

          

Exams n stuffs..

The exam times are buzzing strong at IIT and life has been pretty laidback lately, funny right?? Even though I know it shouldnt be. I mean cmon, Its the exams.. 'EXAMS!!'.. hehe, I actually did try that before my mirror today morning, screaming at myself! but i guess a few things about oneself hardly ever changes. I am still the laidback, calm, concentrated slow poke while i am studying. Depends actually, if its something as deep as Quantum, i 'cannot' make myself not care about the fact that whether i am doing, if i am doing it right and solving the problems and if the ideas are resonating n all. Mostly many of them dont and the questions are kept hanging n I always make sure i get back to them!:D I mean thats the whole fun of it, good detectives never let go of their unsolved cases!;-)

And now to talk about some of those worthless crap that iit makes us study. If I am studying boring useless stuffs like solid state n all then its more like I am dragging a pregnant elephant which is currently sleeping on my couch! seriously, God save the 'elephant';.. 
(i really should have said 'god save me' but then i am pretty sure shitty courses need to be saved from my part coz anyway i am not getting high grades in them!)

Its just so hard to motivate myself. I guess its more because the artificial world and its man made artifacts have always failed to develop a connection with me.. 

the marks.. (Yeah 'get as much as you can', 'top the class', 'medals and honours' and 'going places'... why the hell is it so difficult to make myself realize that at times you shouldnt just study just for the fun of it!! augh! )

the ranks.. (competetions. me and competetions have shared a life long rivalry. I just dont care about it, you know; going out there and proving a point; i guess its much more important to be a better performer than what you were a second ago than trying to beat someone to the dust in someway n show off...)

the money (my wallet is like an alive free creature on its own!.. how money goes in and how it goes out, i hardly ever get a clue! i know its embarassing and i need to get a hang on this problem but lately i am the one hanging and getting broke and hanging again and getting broke again..... i guess it has to do with the fact that i find the money obsessed world to be pretty stupid to dedicate their entire lives just to have an artificial fat bank balance(-_-)

the status (OH IITian!, yeag right, studied six months in nitc and got my ass imported in iitd and if thats why you need my autograph, guess what? go ahead and make a fool of yourself!)

the attitude (I guess it always boils down to this, how much you can 'show off', how much you want people to care n how many people are looking at you n stupid crap of same sorts...)

the future (this i guess is one solid point but i have never been futuristic.. i have always been living in the moment, its just so damn hard to actually make myself think ahead and give up on the present for the future... )

and i guess thats it.. all of these things that actually motivate people, just dont motivate me!

I mean i do love studying, you know; but i guess i have always been driven by a deep passion than a crystalline motivation. And now that i look at it and try to understand why, i do get that a lot of it has to do with my empty childhood and its innocently obnoxious ways of holding a deep corner in my thoughts... more on that later, some other time may be...

        calvin n i do share a few things alike... besides i figured even though it doesnt quite go with this post but then its exams and its hillarious!!!! 3:P

The Scary french Kiss Dream! O_o

So that night i saw Paz Vega in my dreams and beside the Caribbian shores in the middle of the french kiss i broke it off after a minute n asked

"Wait, wait, wait!!"

"What is it, sweatheart (i hate those cheeky words!)"

"Look, you kissing me doesnt mean that i have to roam around everywhere with your hands handcuffed to mine and stare at your eyes like a real big zombie everytime and eventually get commited and marry and get 3-4 kids out of you, right?? I mean all those getting a big belly and a bald head and changing screaming kids' diapers and bringing vegetables for you and living in one place with a useless 9-5 job like all those boring daddies and uncles scares the shit outta me!!!"

"Oh god!! hell no"

"Wow, okay!... lets get back to the action then!"
And then we resumed the kiss for 3 more minutes... ;-)

Eventually she breaks it off and says 

"Look dont worry about it.. we dont need to get so many kids and i ll get a maid to bring the vegetables!"

And right then!! that very moment  i took my shirt off and jumped into the sea and i swam across and swam n swam n swam n swam n swam with everything i got!! fuck! bitch wants to have kids n stuff!! O_o

(shouldnt have said bitch, i do respect girls(-_-))

eventually i woke up chocking and coughing as if i was getting drowned n all...

I drank some water, smoked a davidoff with my feet hanging outside the top floor window... even though i am in love with the night breeze but its hard to not get back to the dream..

I slept and went back to the same 'Scary french kiss dream' with the scene rewined from the start but this time..... well, this time i had a new celebrity!!! B-j

(what!??... i like the 1st 4 minutes of the french kiss!! :D )

..................Suicidally Yours.

If life had its point i choose not to see
If Only it seemed fair to have set free
Depressions are arousing and the dark shades amusing
Rules of worthless books have set themselves burning
Equations dont speak anymore
More like my brain is shrinking
I love seeing my last beautiful door sinking...

The walls are closing in and it doesnt frighten me
Peace in submission and letting it just be
If life is a slow death then death is a new life
Life as it turns out has bored the shit out of me...

Sing me a lullaby and let me sleep
Or beat me to death and let the soul slip
Whatever it is but friends are still fuckers
and strangers are still strange
I feel like cutting my brain out
and let it all drain.....
Let it all drain....... . .  

PS i always feel suicidal while listening to Nirvana.. they just have such great music ;-)

Hot days and heated up times...

Delhi Summers are finally here!! if you ask me they are pretty much like those pathetic lectures by dumb prof.s who also happen to have the hardest attendence policies!! yup, they ll come n you just cant avoid them.. no proxying, no bunking and no way to get rid off them!! (we have a fair share of those in IIT!(-_-)

Summers are pretty much like that.. you just cant fly away; my top floor room becomes a pressure cooker by the time morning starts diffusing into the scary afternoons... most of the time i just ditch my beautiful hot single room and end up in the reading room or library and at night i go and sleep in the common room of our hostel. I am pretty homeless right now actually and its fun living that way; i dont know why but it is!! i guess at times life seems sexier when you switch your survival strategies and take on a different way of staying alive but whatever it is i still dont see myself falling in love with delhi summers anytime sooner in next 2 years.. after these 2 years i ll never come back to delhi again just like i ll never go back to my home town to 'settle' or 'stay'(i mean i do like visiting my home though!) 

I feed on change; There is just so much to live and there is such less time.. the world is so big, I still dont understand why homo sapiens love caging themselves in a bounded region for there entire lives........ . . 

But then again i guess this time i have definitely decided to take on the whole dry,dirty and hot delhi summers head on! (even though i know its going to be like dancing on the frying pan! you cant keep your feet for long and the whole thing looks like a dance but then again, it really isnt!) 

I have decided to stay back at IIT Delhi to do my internship under Prof. Ravishankar. He happens to be one of the two good theoretical physicists of our hopeless physics department with people working in applied and experimental fields (stupid people, they still think manupulating nature and using her ways for the betterment of man kind is more important then understanding nature and why she is the way she is...)

But then who cares about them; i am dead locked on what i want to do and i dont think the worthless system has what it takes to stop me.. and yeah, there ll always be distracting big stamps and tags to bug you.. as for example 'The Foreign Intern'

Yeah, iniially I was very excited about it but then i realized that the people who were actually taking us are just a bunch of experimentalists looking for lab assistants... 

I know it would have been fun.. the world abroad, the foreign lands beyond the indian horizons, new places to explore, new people to know,new friends to hang out with, newer tastes of food n wine..  newer ways to discover the world... almost a dream come true but i guess at times self-discovery requires a step back rather than a step ahead towards useless tags...

The most important thing that the tag of IIT taught me is to not run after useless tags.

I tried in lots of places and did get a few. One applied physicist in Imperial College of London was giving me some modelling work on plasma physics and photonics but then whats the point of modelling a bunch of equations that i still dont completely get, right??
Eventually the whole point of IIT Delhi is to use all the basic physics courses and as many maths courses as i can to build up a strong base in theory. Once i am able to do that i can go abroad  for Higher studies in Theoretical Physics after i am done with my btech. 
So eventually if everything goes righ setting the sails for the world beyond the Indian horizons will not really be a herculean task and of course the tag of IIT will come handy. But if you ask me if  I am not able to develope a strong base in physics then there is no point of trying for higher studies in theoretical physics; I dont want to be a physicist just by big degrees n tags.. 
So after a lot of to and fros in my heart my mind finally settled down to stay back now. After all its a high time that i get back to physics and i get back to physics in style.

So yeah I am staying back with Ravishankar's Super Symmetrical Quantum Mechanics and Delhi's hot summers along with really great physics courses coming next sem... and i dont regret it a bit.

And as for the near future, my majors are coming up and there are loads of stuff to catch up with! 

Guess the hot Delhite days are bringing along with it real heated up times.. and yup, no backing down this time.

dude looks philosophical, right?!

thats what a guy told me when i decided to stay back!:D