As i sit beside the river of time

As i sit beside the river of time,

Playing around with fiends so fine.

But sometimes i did wonder though..

Would it have been fum if the flow could go slow

Could we have swam against the flow

Couldn't we just let go...

Now when i look down upon the river of time

I see my reflection smile.

It hardly matters how strong the wave gets,

It hardly matters when really the sun sets

Coz the time we spent was truly euphoric....

Coz the heart within will always be nostalgic....

( dedicated to that small group of despos i met back in nitc..... )

The clear skies and the empty roads.....

"Birds of a feather flock together..."

but very few people understand that if you are a bird of a slightly different feather then it is also very important that you learn to appreciate the clear skies and the empty roads that you will have to come across in life... and guess what, its not always that easy....

This piece is dedicated to all those moments that i had to spend in the world within me, sitting beside the river of time, staring at the clear blue skies and those silent empty roads....... . .

Its weird when someone says "I am different". You either think that the guy is just another big douche bag trying to show off or you will say that the guy is just another despo trying his best to get hold of the lime light. But what if the lime light is trapped in a negative photo where the black goes white, the white goes black.. n the lime light that you had been bragging about just turns out to be a large shadow with the whole crowd drifting away into their own made out whiteness...... . . 

well i am pretty sure that guys who get to live a very big part of their childhood under such shadows donot really speak out "I am different" but its the world, the fate, the time itself that screams out "You are different".

So if today I say "I am different".... i guess i am not a douche bag, not a despo but just a silent kid who gives a nod to all the crap that the world has said for all this time.

For some reason or another I have always found it difficult to camouflage with the crowd....

....sometimes when i reach a place, i find them to have already left it far behind them. ( my lacking in maturity at times and the late biological clock..)

....sometimes i myself dont feel like getting inside the crowd (my choices, my preferences at times are very different from the group... dont know why...)

 ....sometimes i leave behind the crowd far behind.(well, i am not an einstein in every field but yeah there have been times and in things that i have found them trying to catch up with me... really NOT trying to brag over here)

....sometimes its the crowd that tries to leave me alone far behind them (yup... alienation is the exact word... sometimes its the views and the ways that some how get me alienated.... but i believe i blend in much better now )

 ...sometimes i am afraid of the crowd and try to stay as far away as possible (dont like using the word afaid any more but just that this piece has reflections of my childhood... a childhood of being bullied around.... a childhood riddled with  loss, vacant spots, fear.... n the fact that i somehow someway started liking the distant views......  )

 .....n sometimes its just that me n the crowd really don't have anything to do with each other!!:P
(well, many times i am just not interested in group events!! like i am interested in theoretical physics.... a theoretical physicist works alone. It is his own views... his own perception  that finally stands out as his own identity.) 

But i guess as time flowed by i have learned to appreciate the beautiful clear skies and the  silent roads... now when i try to look back along the flow of time i still see all those silent snapshots lighting up in my mind......

i can again see all those lines, points and the beautiful scalene triangles sprout up in beautiful patterns... n the passion that i had for geometry....

i still see the mystery of seeing the catenary hang in it's own unknown equation that i found out... the mystery of the dancing electric fields and the way they developed into magnetic fields.... n how madly i went after higenberg's principle.....: )

i still see that beautiful girl from my corner bench's view... the fair face with open hair hanging around her neck.. n the side views of that enchanting innocent smile... yeah she was my 1st crush..... . .

it seems the little dodo within me is still able to find some small ways to hold on to some of the beautiful days i have left behind in the dark lands of my childhood.... n i can't stop admiring him for doing so....

but now when i sometimes look down at the river of time to see my reflection.... even now when i stand before the mirror before going to sleep.... i feel proud of whoever i see... i dont regret n i dont regret that i stand alone... coz at the end of the day when someone has to stand before the mirror he has to stand alone..... coz at the end of the day when it comes to seeing  my reflection in the river of time... i want to see just ' me '...

n of course i know that it hardly matters how lonely it gets over here in the world within me.. at the end of the day i ll always have 'the clear skies and the empty roads' who have been with me for such a long time..... : )

The Insomniac speaks...

a night.. a day... a night... a day again...

the ' normal ' world has this perception that it is with this mild flow of the river of time that the earth keeps going around its axis, that the skies change their flavor every ounce in a while.

Well, that's what the normal world thinks.... they think coz they believe that they are right...  which they think coz they know their fellow normal friends think the same.

If you ask me i feel like laughing at the innocent world and its innocent beliefs.... these classic minds are so much obsessed with their own limited perceptions that they have no idea of how weird the world, of how ruthless the world out there can be.

Have you ever met an insomniac.... not all get the chance to meet one in their life time. Yeah... i am.. i am an insomniac....

n i have been like this for the last 5 years. And for the last five years the earth has not been spinning like its " normal " self for me....

Whats day... whats night... whats a sunset... n whats a sun rise.... n how exactly my river of time has dried out......

i.. i dont know.... . .

sleep which happens to be a normal part of your life like brushing your teeth or taking a shit is being deleted ounce and for all from mine.... And sometimes when the sleepless nerves get drowned in a painful weakness.... i still dont get to set my sail for a world into the sub conscious part of my mind. I still dont get to see the dreams you are very fond of. I still dont get to meet a nightmare that sets your fear-center on fire... coz. unlike you.. I am no more more having a nightmare with a pair of closed eyes tucked in inside the blanket..... i am living it.

And as the weakness keeps getting higher and higher its more like fainting than sleeping... its like you are fainted with your eyes open. And then you close them just to believe that you are asleep but the whirling fan still screeches.... the blowing wind still keeps whistling through the cracked window..... the pain inside still keeps screaming like somebody has set its balls rolling on the ground......you dont know when again your eyes ll go conscious..... might be in the bus stop.... in the exam hall..... in the bath room..... anywhere.... everywhere....

Unlike them who get to drift into their subconscious world  regularly every 12 hours, I am living it inside a mad dance in between the conscious and subconscious parts of my mind. The sense of time has completely lost its meaning now. You believe in that mild flow of time coz you get to perceive that mild, regular reality every ounce in a while. I haven't perceived that sort of reality for a very long time.

And even though they dont believe in me but thats alright. I know they wont be able to believe that there are multiple realities which are coexisting together, that the " real "world we see is nothing but a reflection of the world we have within us.... they dont know that its not that there are 600 crore people living in this world..... rather there are actually 600 crore worlds.... 600 crore realities which are coexisting together in a planet.

N you might think that i am just trying to be a sexy narrator with a few literal touches here and there... well, if you do so, i don't care coz i know the mind listening to me now is just another of those ' normal ' minds and i have had it with you all.Whatever i perceive n whatever i know are very much real.... i feel it as real as your rear end is feeling the chair right now......

the point is....

"Sir, the psychiatrist would like to see you in 5 minutes..... "

i was writing my blog. but i closed my laptop at ounce.

The next instant my eyes opened, the fat psychiatrist was staring at me with his bubble big eyes.

"So Mr. shditrodeep (Russians find it hard to call my name)... Wat shims to be the praablem?? "

" a distorted sleep cycle... and even though sometimes when i feel weak  i find it very difficult to diffuse into the subconscious part from the conscious part of my mind.... its as if i am lost inside my own mind and somehow, someway i have lost that happy subconscious part along the way..... "

when i looked up i saw him already writing down the medicines.....

"If you dont want to listen then why do you even ask?? "

"Waat... i understaandh thaat you are having sleeep praablems... (laughs) "

"Why should you Mr. Dmitri.... I am sitting in a seat where everyone is by default a mad guy... people who are never meant to be heard...... "

"iiths naat like thaaat ser...... ( n was saying other senseless stuff ) "

"do you know why I am having this problem... like whats the reason behind?? "

"hah hah hah..... Mishther shditrodeep, you are a phydzishist... i am a shychiatrist.... i daont care about reasaons like you.... i care about cures..... "

"yeah right..... cures "

I have liked cold face characters in Hollywood ever since i was a lil kid....

James Bond, Wolverine , Jason Bourne and even Batman!!! and thats why i thought i ll try sketching a character on my own.....

and i know i am no writer but writing really is fun n i guess its a really nice way to break the monotony ova hea.....

n just to let you know that i havent sketched a character till now other than me(all my notes are in 1st person!!!). This happens to be my 1st time... so do go easy on me;-)

Nature and me...

through the colored windows.... the eyes that try to see through...
with their own colored torches when they try to see whats true...
through their own very eyes when they try to find her....
i find it difficult, you tell me.. is she really there??..

is she really there or is she really aware of the eyes peeping through...
is she really there or is she made up by the eyes that try to look into...
is she really never meant to be played around with a dice....
coz even now seeing her free in the wild makes me feel nice...


but then again i am not an einstein nor a feynman nor any new james bond...
i am just a kid with a few dreams of staring at the eyes of that blond....
i wonder if that girl of my dreams will ever get to know me...
Coz nature is beautiful and that is where i want to be...

Not an iitian.....

there are things that i don't understand... there are things i understand but i can't.. i just can't realize... there are things i think i understand but deep inside it feels that whateva it is... its still aint that clear... n then finally there are a few things that i know and i understand but i don't want to believe in.... 

n one such thing is the one called the "tag"... yup you guessed it right.. the tag of an "iitian"

they consider it to be a very big thing to be an iitian... n its there every where....

the concept is there in iit, in iitians, in the people outside, in my own parents, in i guess the whole of the country n may be to a certain extend in me too... but the BIG question is why is it like that??.. why has the world gone this crazy about iitians??... what is it that has set all the science students (except the bio guys) to go this damn mad to get themselves beeping inside the radar of iit??

N its not that i dont know what you will say... you will say "oh well, thats so easy... iit is one of the best colleges of india... ounce you go in, your life is pretty much set on a highway.. you will end up with a good job with a nice package... n besides, Do you even know how many people try to get in iit??... there are more than 5 lakh people who try to get in iit... if you are getting in then obviously you are one of the bright kids who happen to be the 'chosen ones' "

So yeah its kinda obvious what you will say and cutting out the worthless crap lets come down to the points... the 1st point is this that the prospect is good.... n the 2nd point is that its hard to get....

Now personally speaking i really dont think i have the sort of stand of going against these points coz i was just like you all ounce n before i could even understand or even question the basic idea of what is this thing called ''understanding'' they taught me its big to be an iitian.... n since i myself is a student of iit its not going to put much of an impact to say it in 1st person.... so here is an example... or may be you can consider it a story... n the moral of the story... well, thats on you.. whichever way you might like to take it....

"Sachin Tendulkar".... yup, he is an awesome batsman... when he plays the whole country watches but tell me something... 

is he BIG just coz you and another 1 billion people is looking at him??... 

is he BIG coz there are many people who also want to be like him (needless to say that people want to become iitians these days not cricketers or artists or physicists or anything) 

is he BIG coz he is earning a lot and even if he retires he can live his entire life on a bed of roses??.... 

when you watch him play do you ask yourself in which cricket coaching centre he has learned to play or has ''passed out'' from??... 

Say now i rip him off the blue shirt of Indian cricket team... say i delete all his statistics and records.... say i change his name from Sachin to something else... anything like say, "Dhirendra!!"....

and i make him play in his own backyard...
Do you think the quality of his cover drive will change??... 

Well, i still find it difficult to believe in the fact that the so called "practical" world is like the way it is... whatever it is.. but personally speaking it was just a year of studies that got me in iit and i dont think i deserve to live my entire life signing autographs for dumb people just coz of that.... if the world has to know me someday.... 

I want them to know my name.



 

Confessions of a bad detective....

i was wrong about the fact that quantum uncertainties aren't just possibilities but its the indistinctness within the system.... i know i should have been more careful and insightful but i really can't help it now... i have been thinking like this for a very long time say around the 8th chapter of Feynman lectures and now i am down to the 10th chapter and while understanding the idea of tunelling i have figured i had made a mistake while concluding the idea... 
It really does feel bad.. i mean i really thought i was getting close to something........:-/

 But i am still hopeful... i didn't quite do the whole thing wrong... i just didn't end the whole analysis with creating an abstract picture that generalizes the outcomes of the Stern - Gerlach experiment... 
the conclusion that when one particular character get distinct then the other characters get lost within indistinctness is not wrong... its true and its supported by the mathematics in the book.... but it still doesn't quite give a 'complete' interpretation for the uncertainty principle.... the indistinctness will develop and the probabilities will interfere but the indistinctness itself isn't the uncertainty that we analyze.. the uncertainty is the net deviation in the distribution n indistinctness decides whether the probabilities will interfere n what sort of distributions will arise.... they are connected but not the same....
the conclusion was incomplete... it should have been that
"in order to understand the quantum uncertainties of a certain character we should first recognize that it will have got to develop indistinctness...."

So it all comes down to this... all those attempts of understanding the indistinctness in the characters in real space and time weren't totally useless... but the uncertainty principle requires much more to completely realize what it really says and why it says the things that it says... may be that was just a tiny lil step forward...:-/


And now since the ideas of indistinctness has gotten weak, i couldn't think much in the line of superimposing the waves  and tracking down the periodicity coz i felt that since distinctness is a binary term i ll be able to understand distorted indistinctness in terms of periodicity... but this whole part of superimposing the waves and tracking down the particle by understanding the time varying probabilities has completely turned out to be a failure.... fuck...

Apart from that i really don't think the whole thing for the last two three days have been a complete failure... i have been able to generalize mam's explanation of tunelling by uncertainty principle to a wider perspective... i applied it to the electron diffraction experiment in the position-momentum structure rather than her time-energy structure in step potential.... and the results were beautiful....
Now i know that in a single picture even when you work with different uncertainty distributions the physical realities will always converge... that was a nice clue to may be something much deeper out there....
yeah, that was a pretty nice discovery even though i don't understand completely what significance it really holds!!:P

finally i have got to say that it does feel bad when a wrong idea is taken forward... i mean i really really thought i was closing in to something but it all just went off from the track but then again i wasn't completely wrong...  and some of the important ideas are still right that's why....
i guess thats what physics is all about.. you learn from your mistakes and you develop within... but whateva it is.. it really does get depressing at times... i can still feel the anti-depressants inside my head... feels like someone has sprayed mint all over my brain!!....: )

and for the time being i guess i should just stop being a detective and become a student again... so by this time when i am figuring out these two three pages of Feynman lectures on a simple two state system of H2+ ion (feynamn is a true magician... i mean he generalizes a few ideas within this example and finally shows how interactions like strong or electromagnetic can be explained on the same line... wow!!pure genius;-) ), 
so where was i??... oh yeah till i figure this whole thing out completely i ll stop reading further of Feynman's lectures and concentrate on the courses... i have got to be more strong in maths.. n yup, that ll only happen when i ll actually start doing it!!:P... 
and yeah whateva goes i have got to drag my ass to 8.3 pointers this sem if i have to keep the hope of foreign exchange alive.... fuck man, why the hell is this world so freaking tough!!...

For a piece of the sky.....

outside my window i see a new horizon...
a new world i can't wait to see....
a new way to let the God see His Frankenstein going free.....
Coz i am done with His rules, His ways n His fights....
Coz its time to give the world it's last sight of flight.....

Are you all looking for a new revolution??....
Coz yeah this one is a lie....
Are you all looking for a new complication??...
Or you all are just way too shy....
Its time my people to burn out bright... its time to set everything right....
its time to break out and see the sadist God cry...

Run and tell the angels that every thing's finally going to be alright....
Run and tell the world that finally someone's breaking out to the other side....
I want you all to set your eyes out in the skies.....
I want you all to set your eyes as the last one of His devils dies.....
I want you all to relive this moment on and on....
Coz finally the wings are going to have what it has always longed....
Coz finally one of you is going to fly...
finally someone of you is going to have his own piece of the sky............... . .