Far away from here...

Guess i am just too honest to play it cool
Too hard an equation for this good old fool..
If only i could let her feel the tide of adrenalin..
And the wild cold breeze singin'
And how even time denies to keep flowing...

Every single time she appears on this side of the horizon
Its like a far away island underneath the setting sun...
And how i wish i could have wings of my own...
But too bad this lonely sailer doesnt have them grown...
All that flies around are lonely dreams and dreams alone..
Underneath the velvet sky beside the washed out sun
Far away from here lies her beautiful island...
And here's a lonely boat still trying
Trying to row across this desert full of sand...

Its a stupid poem that i wrote last night... neva mind..

Along the way...

So I wasn't feeling like studying and I figured I should just drop by and give my random thoughts a more dignified place to pile on rather than dumping them somewhere in some random corner of my mind. This post is more of a collected set of ramblings from my past and my present and may be a li'l bit of my life at iit.....

For the time being if i decide to fly away and look back at my life from a bird's eye, I see a lot of stuffs; things i always wanted to have, things i didn't  do that bad at and  of course a few of them in which I totally missed out in...

And I guess looking around me one of the things that I think I totally missed out in is the fact that i never really had a close group of really good friends... Truth is I have had a huge lot of friends along the way but it has hardly happened that I could really develop a solid connection but hey, I am still proud to have broken the pattern and include a few exceptions though....

Steph, Cyril, Ashish, Deepraj....... this one is for you guys ;-j  

Ashish and Deepraj were really good friends back in NITC... and the best part is that I had finally found people of my own species!! passionately physicsified, symmetrically undisciplined, desperate wolves who enjoyed depressing life to the fullest!! : ) I still think all of us were talented enough to get into IIT together but Deepraj happened to have already done his 13th and Ashish had already given the IIT-fee so they had to bail out. I still remember when I was in the rented room; at times they would just drop by to see how I am doing. And just thinking about it is setting me in giggles....listen to this.. Deepraj's texts were always real vulgar and hillarious and at the end there used to be be a line something like this...

'You keep studying and we would keep entertaining you every once in a while!!:D'

Where do you get guys like that? :)....

 I still remember Ashish n I's physics discussions, Deepraj patiently listening to my crazy physics ideas, All of us getting drunk for the first time at the Kappad beach along with the cool breeze and the sound of the waves and how at the end a Malayali police caught us; Deepraj's desperate pornographic thoughts, Ashish's trying to run away from his gf., Our last bus ride from Calicut to NIT..... they might call me an IITian but those nit days will be always there with me for a long time........

And then in IIT I have Steph and Cyril, they are Canadians who are doing a 2-sem exchange program over here and yup, they have to be the cutest, sexiest couple I have ever seen. A few days back me and Steph spent a quality time drawing beautiful naked ladies in library; she is an incredible artist. Her sketches were just amazing and sitting beside her I was busy turning supermodels to grandmas!(-_-) I always wanted to learn how to sketch amongst many other things that I wanted to do but back in those days I was just way too scared, depressed and full of inferiority complexes to actually go out there and break out.... And then there's Cyril., handsome, chilled out, cool french dude who also happens to be really nice and I wonder how dude ends up having the best advises ever! Its always fun to hang out with them. I am gonna miss them a lot once they take off for Canada at the end of this sem.....

In many different ways I have always been a person with a slightly introverted world with a wild extroverted expression!! And even though I have had many friends and friendly strangers from so many places, I guess there have been only a few with whom I could strike the resonance. I wonder if this is how it keeps going, I will either end up being a wild womaniser or may be a lonely monk inside some Hymalayan cave....

But thats alright; There's still a really long way to go in life and I guess even life doesn't know where it leads to.... ;-)

My love for storms... ~_*

They say people change with time.. 
likes,dislikes,wishes and hopes;they all happen to be functions of time but i guess the idea is just a little too generalized.. I mean somewhere deep inside there is always a part that makes you realize every once in a while that you haven't yet lost yourself completely along the river of time, that deep inside you are still the same you that you used to be years ago..
And as for me.. well, the only thing that drives me right back to the years i left by is a storm outside my window..
Storms have always been beautiful since the time I can remember.... Storms for me are like a piece of pure chaos that is wild, free, natural and out there declaring her independence..

Delhi hasn't seen a better weather in a long time and it has been really windy for a couple of days.. a little bit of cold with a beautiful breeze blowing by with a finishing touch of a tinch bit of rain every once in a while... And then, last night all hell just broke loose and it finally, finally stormed. 
I opened my window and just kept staring at it. .................. . . . . 
The loud thunder, the bright lightning, the beautiful wild wind along with the pouring rain... it was finally like nature is letting go of her tied hair and danced around wild not caring about what the world has to say, not caring about what all consequences it would lead to, not caring about what future holds for her, not giving a single fuck to anything what so ever... At that moment she was free and all that she wanted to be was to be herself....

And there is nothing like to open your window on a stormy night and stare at nature's eyes... I dont know how or why it drives me. Its like a source of inspiration, a source of pure wonder, a source of open minded thoughts... its a source of remembering your own source; of who you really are, of recognizing the part within you that is time-invariant.. that whatever goes and whatever future holds for me, I can and I will be able to break out coz all that i guess a beautiful storm does is that it helps you to see the storm that you hold deep within you...

PS: Dedicated to the little chitro I used to know who used to run to the roof every time it stormed in the little town called 'Agartala'... 

 

Amongst the friendly strangers...

'His confessions' never really had a straight from the heart true confession till now mostly because  its writer is a careless old spoiled brat who felt of giving his blog a sexy name (don't know about you but i like it!) and never really cared to do justice to it.

But i guess every dog has his day and every careless dude has his day of 'enlightenment' (I am totally throwing around words here)... So here I am.. sharing a 'truth' of my life.... 

.

.

(You can shut your big eyes now!! Nothing like I am a secret spy or sex addict or anything:D )

So last to last week I went to AIIMS and the psychiatrists there said that i don't have a major depressive disorder or anything like that but there's a rare personality disorder in me and then the dudes said a few things that i always felt I had known....

I have an introverted world with an extroverted expression; 
Its more of a rare genetic coding thing where some of my personality traits are from my dad who happens to be a gentle, nice, easy-going introvert and a some others are from my mom who is a loud, beautiful, bengali extrovert.... And i know many of you would be thinking that bleh! what's there in that! nobody is a pure extrovert or a pure introvert..true 

But the thing is its never a crazy mixture of colors.The shades always happen to compliment each other and get along. Mine is more of a bunch of long haired guys putting on black,red,yellow,sky paints in their hair and head banged before a large canvas.

At times i feel my life is like this large air-port where I meet all these different, differently amazing strangers. Most of the times i talk to them, get to know them a little bit, share a few nice moments and then they take off towards their way and i take off towards mine. Its kind of hard to explain but the truth is just as easily as I can make friends, talk to people, spend friendly time is as hard for me to get into any sort of deeper involvement with anybody. Its more like 'Hi, hey... how is life?.. and this and that.. " and then its always fun for about 15 minutes but I rarely get to go beyond that. Many times on a Friday evening i would like to hang out but its just that i know everyone equally closely and no one is close enough to call and share a drink with.

And I have tried everything that i could... 

sometimes they would include me in a group and as they do in someway or the other i find them increasingly boring and kind of left out so I will just get drunk, leave their table and think of some equation or just go and talk to some hot stranger standing at the bar table and flirt around...

sometimes I try to cling on to someone just to learn how people really make good friends and eventually i end up feeling trapped and suffocating within... sometimes when people try to cling on to me I always end up taking a nice exit neither leaving behind a bad impression nor getting into any sort of complications.

Truth is I guess i know more people in IIT Delhi than anyone else! and then there are so many good friends who know me too.. starting from South Indians to Hindi speakers to seniors to juniors to exchange students, PHD guys, mess workers, profs whose courses i have taken to the ones i haven't, security guards (you would be surprised, there's this guard who caught me smoking and ended up smoking with me! :D )

In short its like a crazy mixture all together... 

Truth is I do get along with all types of people and i know i end up being a nice person for them too (most of them) but still most of the time at the end of the classes, its always me alone sharing my loneliness with the open sky above the BlockII roof... And yes, it does get real depressing at times, staying alive amongst all these friendly strangers but i guess some nice day I will learn to stay alive as me and make peace with the colorful canvas that my world is supposed to be........ . . 

  

No way to sail across

With Jee I thought i had flushed a big part of my unwanted childhood right outside of my life, my mind and definitely out of my sight. But a part of it still keeps coming back to haunt me and its as annoying as ever. And how it all adds up to the context, well, one thing that i was sure i had got rid off was my fear of exams... 

I mean c'mon IIT JEE happens to be one of those exams where you need to set your exam strategies at the first front of the defense. Concepts, Speed, Ideas, Stream of thoughts... they all come second, right??.. and after I dragged myself through the entire 13th year with so many test papers and mock tests and stop clocks and omr sheets, i really dont like believing in the fact that deep inside i am admitting it that i am still allergic to exams...

But as a matter of fact technically it isnt even fear, its more like 'hatred'!

I mean i have always hated exams.. right from the days of the shame and horror of taking my 50s and 60s to my over-expecting mom.. from the days i started loving maths to the ones even when i was preparing for jee...

Deep inside i have always lacked the 'sense of purpose' i mean i do 'know' that my grades matter, my exams do matter but its just that it has always been hard to realize it..

I mean why the fuck am i supposed to be bothered about what profs. and the system thinks about me, right??

Why should i be doing shit courses that i dont like?? Why should i be stuck in a system that i dont like?? WHY??

Wish the world could be a little bit more free. Study as you like, live as you like, solve problems as you like, think as you like... besides exams always disturb your normal study times and the whole momentum of your thought flows..

Frankly i sometimes feel as if i am born in the wrong world.. more like in the wrong island, worse, there's no way to sail across....

P.S gotta go... theres a lot of shit problems awaiting me.. minors kick in on 3rd (-_-)~~

The drifting away hirozon

Its been quite sometime now since i last blogged but i guess blogging is only fun when you do it 'not so often'!

This one is dedicated to my hopeless attempts at a foreign internship with a theorist and some other stuffs around it.

Hope you guys don't get bored! Some of them told me that at times i physicsify my blogs a little too much... ll try not to ;-)

As a kid i always had a thing for the far away horizon. It always felt that being in this big big world i am enclosed in a small part of it and someday, some lucky day i will grow up ,cross that horizon and the world will open up to be explored...

Turns out i did grow up but the horizon still remains far off from my reach and every single time i get a little bit of chance of taking that leap, nature and her games of dice fails me again! 

As for example, this time at the end of 2nd year we have the opportunity of going for an intern. Generally IITians have a fair chance of getting it abroad but then its just that you have to send some 600 apps or something around that!
Well, i have sent around 100 and there have been some 30 replies. Some of them are not having any positions, some of then can't finance, some of them are going out for conferences... all in all it has been pretty much a dance of rejection and i have been sitting back and watching it for quite some time now. Although, i have got to say sometimes the replies really got me thinking... 
There was this one guy from Australia who was free and his finances were pretty good too but he told me that it would be better if i stay back and read 'Higher Quantam mech.' on my own coz it might cost him a lot of time in guiding me n all... 
Now, I could have made him consider my application with a little bit of touch of words here and there with my reply.. like I am really interested and that i am going to do it largely on my own and bla bla bla..
But I didn't. Coz the dude definitely had a point. At this level I guess I am not well equipped to do something original in theoretical physics coz it requires a pretty versatile maths background which i suppose i haven't yet come up with completely. So i thanked him and told him 'Thanks for the advice sir, I will definitely consider my options again. You have a good day ahead.' 
"Good day ahead"!!!-who the hell says that. Neva mind, I can be real weird at times!

Truth is that truth changes its own identity as we keep walking towards it. (I know i generalize a lot, at times it seems weird but cant help it, I am after all a physics student!:D)
Back in school when i used to hear about IITian relatives making it to Germany and Norway and Scotland and all... The tag of 'IITian' seemed to glow before my eyes in all new ways. I mean here are a bunch of college kids who managed to cross the sea!!!
But now of course times have changed... Now i know that "IIT JEE" is the biggest nationally wide joke that can ever be played on a passionate 'science'-student. Now i know that the tag hardly matters, what matters is who you are, what you can do and how you define yourself. One thing that the tag of IIT taught me is that you should never run after tags.

This time i guess i will let go of the tag of ' The guy who crossed the sea'
Coz it might be true that i want to explore the world but what comes first is that i learn to explore nature (Physics) and learn the language she speaks in (Maths!;-)
After all that's what physics is all about, every new chapter is a window through which we stare at  nature and learn a bit more of why she is the way she is.

But then again, I dont want to go back home. Two and a half months inside my 13 by 13 room is something that i dont want to go through again. And the only way out is an Internship. Tough position i am in right now. I dont want to stay back and i am not sure either if I should keep staring at the drifting away horizon.....

heres a nice pic... just to make up for the 'not so nice' end of this post!;-)

The tune on the empty street

Its been such a long time that i have blogged. In many different ways i guess 'his confessions' was going through its own laid back days and its writer forgot how much fun blogging could be!!
Many times people used to ask me the number of followers i have. Many times they talk about how famous my blog is. But if you ask me i guess they mistook the idea of getting to have your own blog. Of course every 'writer' wishes to have his stuffs read... every time you want to speak out, you would want someone to sit by and listen.. taken.

But then i guess blogging isnt just about writing and sharing. Sometimes its just about catching a tune in empty street. Its about solving an equation on blackboard of an empty classroom. Its about practicing the pick up line you want to try to a girl in the bathroom mirror!! :D
Its about saying whatever you want to say without caring about how the world on the other side of the 10 by 8 screen.
But of course its always great to have a few listeners irrespective of how bad you sing.... how weirdly you catch your tune, its always great to have people to talk to and to share;-)

I dont sing by the way!:P